Monthly Archives: August 2011

Ch14 Take No Offense

If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?”

- Rumi

 

I was grocery shopping with a fellow teacher in Korea. She was wearing a blouse buttoned very modestly for Western standards, and perfectly acceptable for our school’s standard. While selecting our vegetables in the produce area, an elderly lady reached over and buttoned the top button of my friend’s blouse. We both froze in shock for a moment. The woman smiled at us, then backed away, bowing.

“Uh…. Thank you?!,” we smiled and bowed, as politely as we could muster.

It’s pretty easy to be offended. On any given day you might be faced with someone who…

  • answers their cell phone when you are having lunch together
  • asks you to no longer work on their project
  • tells you that you have a habit that really annoys them
  • makes a remark about a physical feature
  • steps in front of you in line at the grocery store
  • tells you they prefer someone else
  • tells you that something you said made them sad or angry
  • tells you that you need to change your working style
  • does not eat any of the meal you prepared for them

Your typical responses might be:

  • How rude!
  • Oh, the nerve!
  • I’ll never forget that remark!
  • How dare they?
  • I’m so offended!
  • How could they say such a thing to me!
  • That hurt my feelings!

But that’s just the beginning.

When we take offense to something, our reactions are fairly predictable:

  1. In the moment or shortly after, we have a sudden burst of outrage, indignation and hurt.
  2. Immediately, we relish the depth of the rudeness! We store as many details as possible because we know it’s going to make a juicy story later!
  3. Next comes the ranting phase. We rant to ourselves hundreds of times silently, and to someone else or several people about the incident a dozen times. We hone our explanation of the situation and just how cruel, ignorant or rude the offender is.
  4. The initial rant opens the doors to more. Next thing you know, you’re remembering other situations, or generalizing about a group of people: old people, white people, rich people, etc.
  5. After awhile, the incident is tucked in our memories for safekeeping, details held in tightly with tenacious indignation. Stories of rude incidents can be pulled out of the closet years or decades later. And this kind of story is such a crowd-pleaser, the replaying of a single incident never has to end.

Unless you choose to let it go.

What took a few seconds the first time around, can take up minutes and hours of our time. We have a lot of expressions that describe what happens to us in this replaying and ranting stage:

  • I get so worked up every time I think about it!
  • I get frustrated beyond end!
  • I can’t get over it!

These are all very accurate ways to express what happens to our inner peace when we take offense and stop there. And when we rant to others, we have the ability to smash someone else’s inner peace just as easily, unless they’re quicker on their toes than we are.

Years ago, I’d been astounded at a rude person I’d encountered earlier that week. During the umpteenth retelling, I said again, “I just can’t get over it!”

My five-year-old daughter had heard this story several times by now. She looked at me and calmly stated, “Mom. Get over it.” She turned and skipped away merrily.

That was the first time I’d ever considered that “getting over it” was a choice: a simple choice that required a tiny bit of action to turn it off and let it go.

Make a vow to yourself, that no matter what anyone says, you will “Take no offense!”

You might not think you are a person that is quick to be offended. But without a conscious commitment to reject being offended, it’s natural to take offense in the moment and then replay it ad nauseum.

Instead of taking offense, there is a simple approach to handling the incident gracefully. It requires taking a close curious look from two different angles, to learn from and diffuse the incident.

Step 1: Consider it a learning experience for yourself

Maybe, it is all about me!

a. Consider if there is some nugget of truth about yourself or the incident that you have not acknowledged. State it as clearly as possible, without emotion.

  • Yep, my feet are bigger than most.
  • My boss has a different work style than me so we’re not working well together on this project.
  • This class prefers another teacher over me. I’m not sure why….yet.
  • My friend doesn’t like my cooking very much.

b. Explore what can I change, if anything? Brainstorm some strategies to try.

  • My feet? I’d rather appreciate them than feel bad about them. No change here.
  • Why do I keep cooking for someone that doesn’t want me to cook for them?
  • Ask for more information to help you understand.
  • Explain to someone calmly that it seems rude when they say that.

Step 2: Don’t take it personally

On the other hand, maybe you’re taking something personally that shouldn’t be.

Maybe, it’s not about me, at all!

Someone that behaves in a way that seems rude to you, often has that behavior in general. Maybe he’s not doing it to you. He’s just doing it! Perhaps you were just near him when he did it this time.

a. When you describe the person’s actions, try restating it without you as the object. Be very precise and scrub any exaggeration or extra emotions from the description. Is it as true or truer?

  • He always does that to me!

Becomes: He sometimes does that when he’s tired.

  • She never eats my cooking.

Becomes: She’s very particular about what she eats.

  • She always snaps at me.

Becomes: She snaps at people sometimes when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

  • That person was so rude to me at the grocery store last night.

Becomes: That person seemed stressed out and rude. I wonder why.

b. Are there any actions that you can take? Develop some strategies to try. Try something and adjust. See what works.

  • I don’t want to hang around with him when he acts like that. So, I’ll tell him that and plan to meet earlier in the day next time.
  • I can talk to her about what we should do for dinner. Maybe it would be better if she cooks next time.
  • When she snaps at me, I’ll ignore her, I’ll tell her that I don’t appreciate it and/or I’ll move to another room.
  • I can choose a less busy time to grocery shop. Dinner time on weekdays is probably when a lot of tired, stressed-out people shop.

Step 3: Appreciate the experience and let it go

When we take this curious, non-emotional approach to an incident, it’s fun!

It gives us an idea of something new to try. We feel more compassionate and more peaceful. The incident itself seems more humorous and more insightful, rather than a source of unending pain.

And that burning desire to keep chastising the ‘incredibly rude people” in the world? We can just let it go.

Step 4: Advanced Level: Nip it in the bud

Once you’ve mastered the ability to skip the ranting completely, consider one more level.

Notice that this whole cycle of ranting and then figuring out how to rant all stems from our initial reaction. Is it possible to nip the problem in the bud and never take offense in the first place? Can you feel the indignation welling up and stop it before it reaches the surface?

Vowing to take no offense is one of the most powerful ways to transform your life. Things that once followed you around and tied you down in negativity at work, at home and over the years, suddenly vanish. You are left feeling amused and free, and bursting with love!

 

Exercises

  • This week, notice how stories of ‘rude people’ are sprinkled through your week. How does the storyteller act? How do the listeners react? Does one story spur another?
  • Make a list of your top ‘rude people’ stories. I think everyone has them. These are the stories you’ve told dozens of times. Use the steps above to learn from them or develop some understanding and compassion for the offender. What value does it bring when you retell that story? Are there any of these stories that could drop off the list …never to be retold again?
  • Next time you find yourself in a situation where you could take offense, state to yourself, “Take no offense.” There will be probably be an inner voice that says, “But, blah, blah, blah.” Repeat to yourself, “Take no offense.” Use the steps to consider it a learning experience for yourself or an opportunity to have compassion for someone else. When you feel yourself storing the details of a good story that would be used to ridicule someone, pause. Then, let it go!

 

“We should be too big to take offense, and too noble to give it.”

- Abraham Lincoln

 

What did you do on your summer vacation?

On his 40-day summer vacation, one 11-year old boy attends classes various days throughout the week at Chinese Academy (beginning at 8 am), Science Academy, Flute and Abacus classes (summer school at his regular school), English class at our academy, and a special class studying for a Math competition.

An 11-year old girl has a similar schedule with flute, calligraphy, Math Academy, English role play, English at our academy, then a private tutor at home who teaches Math, English and Science.

In addition to these classes, students have ‘vacation homework’. The boy said he had to read 50 novels (in Korean); the girl had to read 20 novels. There is other homework in addition to that.

We are expected to assign 30 minutes of homework at the end of class and check it at the beginning of the next class. When they beg me, “Teacher, little homework please!,” it’s a lot more convincing than when I was a kid and begged my teacher for the same thing.

I Believe in Suction Cups

I love the idea that, like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, suction cups are magical. It hits hardest when I’m organizing a rented apartment and afraid to screw something up. Shopping for small baskets, racks and any storage solution…that’s when suction cups tempt me. Suddenly, I’m scheming to stick something on any surface that’s flat and smooth: the shower, the kitchen backsplash, the side of the refrigerator. Even the indoor/outdoor thermometer is now a necessity. I lick them, I stick them. They slide, pop, and drop off. They never work. But somehow, I still believe in suction cups.

Google translate: awesome but not perfect

I’m trying to understand and learn a Korean love song called “Someday” by IU. I have a complete translation that is helpful, but sometimes it’s nice to see what the individual words are. music.daum.net website has lyrics for most Korean songs. (Here are the complete Korean lyrics for Someday.)

I love Google translate. It can be really helpful, but it has its limits. I was checking the google translation for this line: 아픈 내 가슴도

It should be something like ”my aching heart”

In google translate, it comes up as “my boobs are sore”

hahaha,

I know the word for heart can sometimes also mean chest or breast so I understand. So, yeah, it may be technically right, but I’m pretty sure in this song …it’s oh so wrong.

Students …everywhere

I do like being part of a community. That means that when I’m out and about, I might just run into one of my students.

Like today, when I went to the small beach in town, I was surprised to see dozens of kids in red shirts & red life jackets. Out swimming, I heard, Hi teacher (and my name!). It took me awhile to identify my wet students in the crowd. But then, got to splash and practice swimming with them and 38 of their church group friends.

Being an English speaker in Korea makes you the envy of most. Add to that, some basic swimming skill, and wow, you’re amazing!

 

Two of these kids are my students

Tidy

I was waiting for the taxi outside my apartment. I’d packed my lunch and felt ready. Neat and tidy as a teacher must be. My lesson plans were swimming in my head, when she I noticed her. Pushing the modified stroller, she more ambled, than hobbled up the road toward me. Her wet clean clothes were heaped in her dinged metal washpan. Her breasts swung gently under her checked cotton blouse. I smiled at her. But the deep shade of her wide-brimmed hat made it impossible to see if she smiled back, or even saw me.

Typhoon Muifa passes by

Having been raised in a mountain desert, I have no clue for what to do during a typhoon.

Local wisdom is …stay home! If the windows rattle too much, tape them to prevent them from breaking.

On Sunday, August 7th, Typhoon Mufia passed near Jeju. With heavy rains starting early in the morning and continuing until after 11 pm, there wasn’t much to do that day.

The rains and wind were so heavy, it made it seem silly to make that trip to empty the compost just outside our building. So, I didn’t until midnight.

“Living at the beach’ seems a lot less desirable on a day like this. When the wind and rain get going, you have to wonder if this is your last day on the planet. And if it is, should I be doing something more important than learning a Korean song, and taking another nap?Meh, can’t think of anything!

Several students said their homes had pretty severe water damage and flooding. (I didn’t understand at first, because in Korean there’s no ‘f’ sound so it’s tai-poon mui-pa).

Typhoon Muifa did cause a lot of damage in Asia as a whole, and 22 deaths in China.

At times like this, you do notice that you’re alive and that’s not guaranteed to be the case every day!

 

Bathing naked with the neighbors

Yeo-Tang (Women's Bathing Area)

A few days ago, I found a gem of a place right in front of my apartment. My friend and I literally stumbled onto it. We were trying to find our way in the dark, to get out to a quieter area of the rock wall. We headed to one passageway, and discovered nearly too late that it was the men’s bathing area. A woman directed us instead to the passageway marked “여탕”. We thought she was showing us a way to get out to the further sections, so were surprised when we walked into an outdoor bathing area for women.

Old women, little girls, women of all ages use this bathing area to wash themselves, each other and clothes. The place is so ingeniously designed. Rock and concrete form courses for the spring water to flow through, as it gradually mixes with the sea beyond the wall. Flat paths and a couple more levels form an array of places to stand, wash, set things and sit.

The water is cold! At low tide, about five inches of water is all you have to wash your body and your hair. To wash your hair, women take an interesting stance. Lean forward, dip your hair and head in (for an instant head freeze!) Do it, then the view is looking back thru your legs to the far wall and the water heading out to the sea.

A streetlight above provides light until late at night. The first night, we sang the song we were learning, Moon River (in English) while women around us bathed.  It’s such a cool option to be able to bathe outdoors.

Today, on the way home from swimming, I stopped in and bathed. An elderly woman was bathing, and a young woman was washing a few clothes and helping her 5-year old daughter bathe and wash her hair.

Somehow, I didn't notice the women's bathing area (left) at the watering hole across from my apt (center, gold color)

Seongeup Folk Village

A couple buses, an hour and about $3 each delivered my friend and I to Seonguep Folk Village on a Saturday afternoon.

The Korean government subsidizes residents to maintain the traditional way of life and share it with visitors. So, we were able to see woven shoes, jujube tea being made, rope making and the black pigs being raised in the traditional way.

We were able to talk to the residents. Ok, no not really. They spoke Korean and we nodded our heads a lot. Still, it was really cool. I would definitely recommend it!

Swimming in the sea

It’s beach season here so at least a few times a week, and sometimes even a couple times a day, I take a swim in the ocean.

This is a complete luxury that I don’t take for granted!

An easy 12-minute walk from my apartment is the smaller beach that has fewer people and gets deep quicker, so is a bit better for swimming.

It feels like magic to swim in the ocean. Even when I only swim for 20 minutes I fit in an array of liberating movement. I can dog paddle, seriously swimming freestyle or breaststroke, or float on my back and let the small waves move me purposelessly here and there. I’ll do porpoise dives half-way across the width of the beach, then decide to do a few handstands. Follow up with a couple front flips, and a backflip or two. Ahhh. Bliss

Korean snacks

Have you ever had slices of steamed japanese squash or boiled whole baby potatoes on a picnic? That was the fare on a recent snorkeling trip. We kayaked 10 minutes to a nearby island, and saw some fish and lots of interesting seaweed while snorkeling. Then when it was time to eat, wemwere treated to these warm delicious vegetables. Brilliant! Portable, easy to eat, warm, no waste, no worries about spoiled food.

Then on a hike a couple days ago, big thick slices of tomatoes that had been earlier sprinkled with a dash of sugar and salt, and fresh cucumber. Wonderful complement to the dried squid and nuts that I packed.

Ch22 Small Words that make a Big Difference

When my daughter was quite young, she took up guitar. I helped her understand her lessons, and in the process, I learned three chords along with her. I was blown away to find that knowing how to play A, D and E chords suddenly enabled me to play dozens of songs: rock, country, spirituals. “Let it Be”, “Amazing Grace”, and “La Bamba” were instantly part of my repertoire. A hundred songs were now within my grasp. Certainly, more developed skills would allow more sophisticated and more beautiful songs, but this first step opened a new world to me.

 

Similarly, learn how to use a few key words, and you’ll feel that you are suddenly playing a new tune. Do a ‘global replace’ on some tired phrases that don’t fit you anymore. With little effort, you’ll feel that you have a newfound ability to sing the song you came here to sing.

 

Petty thinking that holds us back relies on specific thought patterns, and thus specific words. The shallower aspects of our culture are imprinted in our thinking through sayings, expressions and songs. It’s natural to adopt them as our own, and continue repeating them ourselves, even if they don’t feel true at a deeper level. Changing as little as one word can break decades-long habits and allow us to live and love the life we’re striving for.

 

Some may think that choosing words so carefully is a form of watering down truth to be politically correct. But that analysis is off the mark. Gentle, encouraging words support people to rise to their fullest potential, yourself included. A wise counselor knows that using strong judgmental words holds people down.

 

This chapter presents some suggestions for improving your own thoughts and speaking, to allow expressing your highest good easily. With a few minor edits, your words can move from harsh to gentle, from oppressive to uplifting. Even if you don’t feel comfortable eliminating a phrase completely, allow yourself to pause before you use it, then decide.

 

When you scan the list below, you may think, but everyone says that! We’ve said it all our lives! While it’s common to say such things, it doesn’t mean it’s a healthy way to live! We live in a world with hunger, poverty and war. Obviously, what we’ve been doing all along is not a reason to stop here. We can evolve. Carefully choosing how we express ourselves is an effective way to get on this path.

 

1. Use ‘could’ instead of ‘should’

The problem with ‘should’s is that they pile up on each other without any reality check. Should is guilt’s best friend! Shoulds can make us feel like you’ve failed before you’ve even gotten started. Lists of shoulds are wildly optimistic, and usually unrealistic:

 

What should I do Saturday? I should sleep in and get some rest. Oh, actually, I should get up early. I should clean the entire house. Hmm, but I really should exercise too. I should spend time outdoors and explore something new. I should spend some time alone. I should meet up with my family. I should balance my checkbook. I should relax and watch a few movies. I should go to bed early. I should go out dancing!

 

Try this same Saturday list with ‘could’, and suddenly it becomes realistic.  Ah yes, I could sleep in or I could get up early! I could stay home all day and relax or I could go out and explore. I could go to bed early or stay up late! The vibe changes from one of guilt and failure, to one of choices, excitement and possibilities.

 

2. Eliminate “I need”

To say I need something implies that I am lacking something now. It requires a judgment that what I have now is not good enough. Not good enough for what? ‘Need’ also has a hidden threat that something very bad might happen if the need is unfulfilled. There’s a dramatic, urgent “, or else!” implied in every statement with need.

  • “I need chocolate” …or I’ll be depressed all day!
  • “I need to find a different job” …or I’ll go crazy!
  • “I need to find a girlfriend” …or I’ll be a lonely, loser for the rest of my life!
  • “I need a vacation” …or what? I’ll go postal! Wither away at my desk?!

 

In order to live, we need very little. If you’ve traveled to a country with less material wealth than your own, you quickly realize that maybe you don’t ‘need’ everything you thought you did. People live full lives without a lot of stuff we view as necessities.

 

For me, it was most striking in Ghana. I have friends there that don’t have jobs, have little food or  money. Some did not have any schooling. And yet, they were very loving and enjoyed their lives. What do we really need to live? Not much!

 

For some statements, we can just flip or eliminate the statement completely. “I need chocolate” becomes “I don’t need chocolate” or maybe better, just silence.

 

For changes you’d like to make in your life, try:

  • I have…
  • Wouldn’t it be cool if…
  • I wonder what it would be like…

 

There is an ever-so-slight but marked change from a negative feeling to a positive feeling when you switch from ‘need’ to ‘want’. It changes it from a feeling of lack and unfulfilled desire to a world of engaging possibilities:

  • Wouldn’t it be cool to find a job that was near my house that was inspiring and fun!
  • I’d like to find a girlfriend that is honest, fun and creative.
  • I wonder what it would be like to go travel for a month.

 

3. Replace ‘have to’ with ‘choose to’

I was having tea with a friend and she brought a deck of inspirational cards with her. At the time, I was agonizing about how to fulfill a plan I’d made for myself. It followed the standard pattern: “I want to xxx, but first I have to xxx.”

 

I chose a card from the deck, which said,

“Whenever you begin a sentence with “I have to”, please stop!”

 

“I have to” implies that there is an obligation that must be fulfilled! That there is only one way to do it, and I must do it! Even if I don’t want to, I must! It presents a very closed-minded, dramatic view of your situation.

 

Little kids will tell you, “You’re not the boss of me!”

 

So, when did we forget this for ourselves? You are the ‘boss of you’! Unless you’re an indentured servant, you are making the decisions about your life, whether you realize it or not. In truth, there is little we ‘have’ to do. We always have options.

 

Instead of lamenting about obligations, switch to considering choices:

  • I want to save money for a trip, so I choose to work overtime.
  • Today I choose to stay home and clean, instead of going out with friends.
  • I decided to take the bus today, so I’ll get up a bit earlier.
  • I’m going to visit my family every other weekend, to balance family time and free time.

 

4. Eliminate ‘makes me’ when referring to emotions

It’s a real downer to be around someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their own emotions:

  • It made me really depressed when it rained on my day off.
  • He made me really angry when he said that.
  • It makes me really happy when you call! (…would they be sad if you didn’t?)

 

Instead of ‘makes me’, find ways to express responsibility:

  • When it started raining, I decided to change my plans for the day.
  • I want to find a way to react with reason and compassionate, when he says stuff like that. Why do I hang out with him anyway?
  • I always enjoy talking with you!

 

A goal for a fine life is to be able to feel joy, no matter what happens externally. If it rains, someone says something you don’t like, and no one calls, can you still feel joyful and content? That’s the challenge!

 

Happiness and sadness can wash over us in a few moments, rocking us up and down like a boat on the waves. Instead, know that there’s a deeper pool of joy accessible within. You’re not in the boat. You are the ocean.

 

5. Eliminate ‘hate’

Using the word ‘hate’ is guaranteed to give you a negative emotional charge. Even if you and spinach aren’t made for each other, what is the upside of saying, “I hate spinach!” There is none.

 

Whether you’re complaining about a song, an advertisement, a food, or some plague in the world, using ‘hate’ is a perfect way to launch into a rant. If you start with, “I hate that song!”, it’s natural to keep going. Next, you’ll be picking it apart defending your position. That may spur you and your listener to remember other songs you hate and then you’re really on a roll. In this frantic state, you are unlikely to take any positive action to actually fix or improve the situation.

  • Instead of spinach, choose a different vegetable. Or find out why other people do like it. Try a recipe they suggest and see what you think.
  • If you don’t appreciate a song, tell people about songs you do like. Or write your own!
  • If you hate the fact that world hunger exists, work to alleviate it.

See ‘hate’ as an excuse for self-righteous ranting. Instead choose something that promotes understanding and/or action:

  • I don’t understand…
  • I’m not a big fan of…
  • I’m not sure why people like…
  • What can I do to improve the situation around…?

 

“Don’t be a hater!”

 

6. Eliminate the object and see if it improves the accuracy.

When we assign responsibility for action to the actor, the object becomes secondary. It can be helpful to limit the statement to the actor and the action, rather than focusing on the particular person or situation that evokes that action. It’s a bit complicated to describe, but it’s easy to do. Remove the object in a sentence. Does it give you a new perspective?

 

He always does that to me.   He does that sometimes.

I’m in love with him.            I’m being loving.

She’s angry with me.            She’s angry.

I’m unhappy with him.        I’m unhappy.


 

7. Replace “I can’t”

When we say “I can’t” it becomes a statement of a fixed condition that always was and always will be. Instead, try something precise. Note if it is a new development. Leave an opening for a solution that may come as the result of outside help or more time.

 

  • I can’t control my eating.

Becomes: I haven’t been able to control my eating lately. What am I doing different? Maybe it’s my new work schedule. If I can’t get on track this month, I might join a weight loss program.

 

  • I can’t stick to an exercise plan.

Becomes: I don’t know why I haven’t been able to stick to an exercise plan. I used to exercise daily and I felt a lot better. I’ll call my superfit friend and ask for help.

 

  •             I can’t lose weight.

Becomes: “I can!” or even better, “I am slim,” as an affirmation to pave the way to make it so.

 

Changing as little as one word can break decades-long habits and allow you to live the life you’re dreaming of.