Monthly Archives: September 2011

Envy

Other deadly sins are like venomous snakes. Poised, tail rattling, wrath or lust can strike deep at a single moment, destroying a marriage, a reputation or a life.

You think Envy should be a venial sin, that it’s more like an annoying mosquito bite than a deadly snakebite.

But, other sins only have certain seasons, or times of life, or situations where they strike.  Envy slips arm in arm to ‘help’ anyone, anywhere. Envy is just as comfortable with a baby as she takes her first bite of food, her old grandma drawing in her last breath, a streetkid or a CEO.

Envy is not a single mosquito. It’s a never-ending supply of mosquitoes, a stagnant larvae-filled pond. And when Envy bites, it opens the door for all other deadly sins.

A small example…

Anyone that’s made lunch for little kids knows it’s not as easy as it looks. The planning and finesse that goes into delivering a couple bowls of steaming macaroni and cheese, microwaved peas, a cut apple, and cups of milk cannot be understated. It requires that the morning outing stimulated them a little and wore them out a little more. Perfect timing means the microwave dings, as Sesame Street ends.

  “Lunch!” You smile at your sweet darlings as they climb onto their chairs. You’re wiping your hands, contentedly, when you detect the whine of the mosquito Envy.

“I wanted the red cup! Why does SHE always get the red cup!”

Other sins soon follow.

Written for the Lighthouse Seven Deadly Sins 250-word Competition

Life on Mars… getting better

The following week’s assignment, reflecting on life on Mars came up with some positive developments. (See previous post about life on Mars)

First, the students who had to study hard, go to so many academies to learn so many Alien language,  and reported that they couldn’t understand their Alien teacher’s accents… They later thought that actually people living on Mars will be able to read each other’s minds. Language is no longer a problem.

When you think of the countless hours Koreans spend learning English, and some also learn Chinese, this notion is mind-blowing.

Swimming season fades away…but mosquitoes don’t

The nights are getting chillier and the hopes of another warm day for swimming are evaporating.

The days now are more often blue skies and a slight breeze. The fish must be coming in closer to shore because at night the boardwalk is lined with men surf-casting in the few-feet high waves that break near the boardwalk wall. They’re pulling out 10-14″ glistening fish. No idea what kind.

In Colorado, when the weather gets this chilly, the mosquitoes drop off. It’s kind of a deal we have. Warm enough to swim, you get mosquitoes. Too cold to swim, no mosquitoes.

Apparently, that wasn’t in the contract with Jeju mosquitoes. They don’t seem to mind the cool weather. More than once I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to put on bug spray after my hands and face have been bitten. I used a fan to keep them away in the hot weather, but now that’s a silly tactic since it’s too cold for me. I guess a mosquito net would have been a good investment. But I keep thinking the mosquitoes can’t last much longer. So far, that’s been a steady, but wrong guess.

Life on Mars …a lot like Korea?

I have a class of five middle school girls. The theme of the unit is Life on Mars. We did a brainstorming group doodle on the whiteboard first, where the students filled the board with images and words: domes, jetpacks, satellites, astronaut suits, comets, craters, asteroids.

We read an email dated 2028 from a boy on Mars, then they had to write an email describing their life on Mars. Does this sound like Korea to you?

  • By now, half the population of Earth has moved to Mars. We attend high school and university, just as on Earth, so now there is heavy competition to enter university.
  • On Mars, we go to schools and academies, but it’s hard to understand the accent of my teacher, who is an Alien.
  • It’s even worse than earth, on Mars, because we have to learn many new Alien languages (not just English)
  • There are many domes on Mars, but it’s boring here because you can never leave your dome to visit other domes. You are stuck in your dome.

Loving vegetables

Fast food and processed food are gaining ground in Korea, but it’s nothing close to the U.S.  In general, Koreans still have a better appreciation of ‘good food’ as nutritious food.

This is so simple, it’s a bit embarrassing to admit.  But the Korean way of eating has taught me many easy ways to include vegetables in my eating:

  • A friend was stealthily eating a cooked, whole sweet potato on the bus for her breakfast (eating in public is frowned on here)
  • Snorkeling trip snacks were boiled new potatoes and slices of steamed pumpkin. Neither were peeled, and both were warm and delicious treats as we stood devouring them, wet and shivering.
  • For lunch, our Korean teachers usually bring small containers of a variety of foods: rice, kimchi, and other stuff, which is then shared. So, bringing a small container of broccoli, zucchini, eggplant, or sauteed veggies is a welcome addition. Broccoli requires no seasoning. Zucchini and eggplant are always great with oregano or basil or a bit of tomato/spaghetti sauce.
  • Fruit is considered dessert: apple slices, or bananas sliced into yogurt.

But, I did come up with a new one they hadn’t tried. Apple slices dipped in peanut butter!

Neighborhood sounds

Here are some of the sounds I hear from my apartment:

Women pounding their clothes, washing them in the watering hole in front of my apartment. They use a flat wooden paddle, that looks like a weapon. The pounding isn’t a continuous rhythm. Just 5-8 beats, a pause to dip the clothes in the water, turn them or examine them, then a few more beats. Sometimes I hear a couple women pounding in alternating beats, like the “I’ve been working on the railroad” style. Then, it’s the voices of the women. Elderly Korean women are known as being strong, and pretty pushy. So their voices often sound like they’re giving each other a piece of their mind, but I can’t really tell.

The washing pounding sounds a lot like the pounding that Buddhist monks do, as part of their rituals. Out walking, you can tell you’re near a temple, when you hear a sharper sound than the washing pounding. The monk taps on a hollowed gourd, with a rhythm unidentifiable to me, but not Western 4/4 time. On a Sunday morning, a few neighbor ladies were chanting, beating the gourd, and holding what seemed to be an impromptu Buddhist ceremony in the shade of the garden shed, looking out to the garden adjacent to my apartment building.

There’s another sound that I hear often. When I first hear it, it always remind me of the “Call to Prayer” that I first heard regularly in Niger. It was so hot, we slept outside on the patio, and at 5am, the neighborhood mosque’s Iman would come over the loud speakers posted throughout  the neighborhood.

So, when I hear the trucks rolling through my neighborhood with their loudspeaker announcements going, it sounds like the same rhythm. But, I realized, with an entirely different purpose. The announcements are usually recorded (poorly), so you will see a man driving a truck, and hear the recording of his voice maybe?, again and again. He is selling produce or fish. The call sounds like umdumdadumbadadidum, kamsamnida. (Selling something, thanks!)

I’ve heard some trucks are selling dogs for meat, but haven’t seen this myself. I have heard the barking from a few dog farms, when out walking in the hills. People enjoy dog soup here. I’m a speciesist. I can’t even enjoy lamb because of the cuteness factor of the live animal,  I guess.  I have no desire to try dog soup.

Changing the subject, the other sounds are often the wind and rain. Island weather, I guess. Though, I’m next to the water, it’s rare to hear the waves crashing. Samyang Beach is on the side of the island facing mainland Korea so there aren’t big waves here.

I do hear a big ship blowing it’s horn once in awhile, and I wonder, is that a real means of communication these days? What does it mean? “Hey, I’m a really big ship and I’ll be there in an hour.” I hope there’s a more sophisticated communication scheme behind that horn blast.

Crickets and locusts are also pretty constant, at least at this time of year. And it’s pretty common to get a cricket in my apartment. My own personal Jimminy Cricket.

The most striking sound is what’s not heard. There is no background traffic noise here. I’ll hear a car or truck drive by, or several, but there’s no traffic hum. That part is really lovely!

 

 

 

 

Korea’s suicide rate: continues to soar

In a post last year, I referred to an article in the Washington Post that illustrated that the Korean suicide rate has tripled in the previous two decades.

Hard to believe, but recent news is even worse.

An article published on September 5, 2011, written by BBC News by reporter Lucy Williamson in Seoul, reported that the Korean government’s latest figures for 2009 again jumped.

Look at the graph to the right. Grab a red marker and extend the red line for Korea up to 40 for 2009. The 2009 rate for Korea is now 5 times higher than it was in 1989 (30 years ago).

How does this compare to other countries? The World Health Organization calculates that the current world average rate is 10.07 deaths per 100,000 people. (This data is presented clearly by country at chartbin.com.)

The U.S., for comparison, was a bit higher than Korea’s in 1989, but appears to have settled out near the world average (I wasn’t able to find 2009 data for the U.S.)

Why has Korea’s 2009 rate reached the new high of 40, a factor of four higher than the world average of 10?

The answer is a combination of focus on studying, test scores, university name status, physical beauty, coupled with a culture caught between traditional and modern ways. There are many aspects to this that are obvious, and many more that are perhaps yet unknown. Changing from a third-world country to a first-world country in a few decades has not come without a price.

The BBC article notes that the Korean parliament passed a law earlier this year giving the government more responsibility for preventing suicides.

Talking about this is a first step. Taking some action is an urgent next step, for all of us.

Twinkling

Our family was not one that did the nightly bath ritual for kids. How could you with eight kids? Instead we had some combination of Saturday night baths, or a few-minute-morning shower snuck into the queue in one of the two bathrooms, and something my mom called (and I hated the term) spit baths. 

And during summer, the bathing pretty much dropped off completely except for the Saturday night bath. You could always claim that you’d showered at the pool after swimming, though we rarely did.

And we loved swimming! Living one block from a public swimming pool is I guess that’s how my mom stayed sane-ish with eight kids.

We were all on the swim team and practice began at 7 am. We’d come home for a bit, then go back for swim lessons around 10. Back home again, then be in line when the doors opened for public school at 1 pm. And when Dad came home, we’d beg him to come swimming with us.

“What? You haven’t been swimming today?”

Sometimes adult logic puzzled us so much, with questions like this we didn’t attempt to reply, but just repeated our pleas.

So, with swimming an all-day, everyday activity, we had the idea that we would just sleep in our swimsuits and that way we’d never have to take them off. We found ways to pee without removing our swimsuits, most of which you’ve already tried yourself. Other bodily functions took a few quick minutes in the bathroom at the swimming pool or home, where looking in the mirror wasn’t part of the routine.

It was a pretty cool plan, except for those few minutes when you’re about ready to fall asleep, but the swimsuit is so uncomfortable, you realize why pajamas and swimsuits have completely different designs. But we’d wait it out, and within minutes, fall asleep. Waking up in our swimsuits, we were ready to big another glorious summer day.

So, at the end of nearly a week of this routine, we finally took our swimsuits off as we prepared for our Saturday bathtime routine.

“What the heck?”

Our tans were our badges of honor. Comparing the whiteness of our natural tone to our leathering brown skim was a source of glee and accomplishment.

But this time, there was something special. My annual swimsuit was a speedo, of course, but this year’s model was a red, white and blue patriotic design. The white stars and the thin white stripes allowed the sun to make a two-tone tan only visible when my body was naked.

Then, I could see white stars glimmering in the way that the stars come out at dusk, when you can barely see them. The thin white lines set them off like the tail of a falling star.

As the summer progressed, the stars and stripes became slightly more visible every day, when my sister and I checked for them.

Then the pool closed and school began, and my normal tan hung on for a few weeks. But just like how the early morning light extinguishes the constellations, the stars and stripes vanished in a twinkling.

Bowing

Here in Korea, there’s a heck of a lot of bowing goin’ on. The deeper the bow, the more respect is being shown.

  • At the end of the newscast, the man and woman announcers make nearly a full bow to the audience, then to each other. (Well as far as you can go without bumping your head on the desk, I guess!
  • After I get out of the taxi, I close the door, then turn to face the driver. I do a small head bow, as I say thank you. He returns a small head bow, then drives off.
  • When you walk into E-Mart or Lotte Mart, the Korean equivalent of a Wal-Mart greeter is there. Usually a man or less often a woman in her 20′s, welcomes you with a hello and bow deeper than a simple head bow.
  • When you leave a sit-down restaurant, it’s common to turn to face the proprietor and offer a thank you and small head bow. This is especially the case if you’re slipping your shoes back on. You have to think about how to get your shoes on, turn around then say your polite goodbye.
  • When you pass an elder on the street, or someone that wants to greet you, you want to be ready with a small head bow, and maybe a hello (ahnyeonhaseyeo) or just ‘neh’ (yes/nod)

I think in the West, we often look back over our shoulder, smile and say Bye, with a little wave. The problem with this form is that is gives the person you’re leaving the view of your backside. When a front bow is most polite, the backside …isn’t.

There are bunches of rules about what politeness form you use with others, and how you bow, depending on age, situation, etc.  I seem to get by okay with lots of little bows all day long, and still just the most basic command of Korean.  (‘command’ seems a bit strong for the reality of what I do!)

(I’m surprised that students don’t bow to teachers. It’s not a problem for me, but I’d heard they probably would! Who knew, you’d get bows at E-Mart and watching the news, but not from student to teacher?)

Jeju-style fishing

Jeju is known for it’s women divers. Haenyeos (hen-yuh) are women that dive for shellfish, using minimal equipment. It’s pretty common to see them around Jeju, and

we’ve see them around Samyang area, when we went snorkeling near Hamdeok and here and there.

They use only a wetsuit, weighted vest and goggles, and stay under for 2-3 minutes collecting seaweed, abalone or clams with a digging hoe. Because of this physical and economic strength, these diving Jeju women have had more of a leadership and environmental advocate role than elsewhere. This article has more info, which I recommend!

…then there are the men…

At night, it’s easiest to see how the men fish. The squid trawlers dot the horizon with bright lights that attract the squid. So, when you look out to sea, bright lights look back at you. (Too far and too big to take out with a beebee gun!)

I also see men fishing anytime of day, but I hang out near the fishing area myself on these waning summer evenings. Night fishing here, the guys use a dual red and green glowing set up. The red glow looks like an LED-illuminated float. The green glowing part sinks below the surface a foot or so, with some combination of hooks and weights, I guess.

I’ve never once seen a woman fishing from the shore, though I’m sure it happens. I have seen women accompanying men. The women sit on the side watching a video on their phone, play with the kids of read a book.

But don’t you think it’s kinda funny. Women dive underwater and gather their catch. Men either drive big boats or sit on the shore.

Are men and women are equal, but different? Are men lazy or are they just smart? Are women strong or are they just overdoing it? Why do women dive and men drive?

Not sure about you, but it does make me wonder!

Ch10 Addiction: Tenaciously Lying to Oneself

As a young girl, my friends’ nickname for me was Twiggy, after the slender actress/model of the times. My brothers just called me Toothpick.

 

Holding onto this skinny image of myself, I was nothing less than stunned when I was trying to wriggle into a pair of size 14 jeans in the dressing room, and couldn’t get them on. By that point, a good 15 years out of college, I’d lost a sense of what my ‘natural size’ was, but I knew it wasn’t size 16.

 

At age 21, I’d been a size 8 or 10. Somehow, that had slid to size 12, then 14. On the day, when I was going to have to buy a size 16, I for the first time ever, looked in the mirror and declared a simple truth, “You’re fat!”

 

I went to the YMCA and weighed and recorded my weight as 168 pounds. With help from my sister, I figured out a likely natural weight (in college we were the same height and build). She said she’d maintained within +/- 2 pounds of 130 since college. So, I realized, I was about 38 pounds overweight, and hadn’t ever considered that I might be fat. How did it happen? I’d gained about 3 pounds per year, a quarter-pound per month, steadily for a decade.

 

With all the books I’d read about nutrition and healthy meals, you might have thought I was an expert on the topic. I did. But the sheer size of my body showed otherwise.

 

Even though I might have known the facts about nutrition, I wasn’t able to feed myself and exercise myself properly to maintain a healthy weight. I needed help and I finally admitted that. A friend had transformed her health and I asked her for advice. I enrolled in her nutrition support group, and began the weekly meetings.

 

I had to give up my deeply ingrained habits, and start from scratch. We weighed and measured and wrote down our food. Our food choices were limited initially, and gradually expanded throughout the program. We learned about common emotional issues around food and explored their impact on us individually in daily journals. We learned how changes in the food industry might also interfere with our ability to control our food intake responsibly. We learned from nutrition experts about recent findings in nutrition research.

 

During the first week of the program, the biggest change I noticed was a dramatically more peaceful brainspace. Seeing an item that I wasn’t going to eat, the process became simply:

“Brownie?”

“No.”

End of mental discussion.

 

Before the program, each opportunity to eat generated rounds of pro/con arguments. The simple appearance of a brownie could generate minutes of internal debating. I never realized how exhausting of a way this was to live, all day every day, until I experienced life without this running commentary.

 

Like most of our mental chatter, seen from a distance, it was really quite entertaining. I chuckled replaying the scenes: Me, a rather fat lady, launching into declarations like, “I need this!” “I’m so busy taking care of everyone else, I don’t have time to eat anything else!” “I work so hard and no one notices. I’m going to treat myself! I deserve it!” “It’s on sale!” “It’s healthy! It’s a whole-wheat brownie!” “I’m only eating this because it’s your birthday!”

 

Throughout the program, as other foods were reintroduced, we learned how to recalibrate our intuition. The goal was to develop a healthy relationship with food, so it would be instantly obvious what to eat and what not to eat. No internal debates required.

 

Every six weeks, we stepped on the scale for the reality check. If we were being honest in our choices and our internal discussions, we would be closer to our natural weight. If we spent the time deceiving ourselves, no progress was made. It was that simple.

 

Most powerfully, we submitted ourselves humbly as novices who were ready to learn anew how to feed our bodies. Painful knees, allergy troubles, and skin problems faded or disappeared. When we dealt with ourselves honestly, our inner peace soared and our naturally fit bodies emerged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

- Byron Katie

 

 

 

 

Lying to Yourself

It doesn’t matter what your addiction is. It always involves lying to yourself.

 

For an alcoholic, the topic for debate is how there can be no harm in ‘just one drink’. For a workaholic, it’s ‘just one hour’. For a smoker, it’s ‘just one cigarette’.

 

While addictions are difficult to kick, they have one feature that makes it easier. Addictions happen within a person. It is what a person is doing to himself or herself. Period.

 

Yes, addiction is typically a family disease and there are many aspects to solving it. But, the addiction itself belongs to one person alone. As long as the person maintains the line, “I’m okay”, nothing will change. And as long as that person is content with tenaciously lying to themselves, the addiction will continue.

 

Anytime you take a stand against the truth, you can expect an argument.

 

Excuse Me, Who am I Talking To?

When we are dealing with an addict, confusion is the modus operandi.

 

If I’m an addict, and you’re talking to me, you see one person. But you’re dealing with two or more competing world views! Part of me wants to maintain the status quo, wants you to see me as a person who has my act together. Another part wants to come clean and change!

 

You’re going to get mixed messages, because you just stepped into the middle of an ongoing argument with myself.

 

The more you try to clarify what’s happening, the more confused you are going to get. One side will be outraged, and the other side will be begging for attention.

 

You will walk away, shaking your head, wondering what you said wrong.

 

The Body Says…

If I pour honey into the gas tank of a car, and insist it’s a good idea, no matter how much I say it, I would be proven completely wrong when the car itself sputtered, stopped and prove otherwise.

 

The land of thinking and talking is rich with the spontaneous, creative, contradictory, oftentimes irrational beliefs. In contrast, the body itself can be a simple repository and display of truth.

 

The body can thrive in a wide variety of conditions. It does not require perfection in its care and feeding. But after suffering persistent lack of care, luckily, the body will protest.

 

When we persist in acting in a way that is harmful to ourselves, that social self that we present to the outside world, will insist that we are acting responsibly. The body, luckily, will provide a solid counter-argument.

 

Just like when I was unable to get into a size 14, it was my body that finally stated irrefutably what my thinking had dismissed as impossible.

 

Growing Up: Moving beyond Emotional Immaturity

Imagine if your fashion style had not changed since age eight. That’s a scary thought, right? (That’s worth pondering for a moment, just for the hilarious images you’ll generate of you and your coworkers!)

 

Addictions are our way of handling our emotions in ways that we may have learned as kids, and dismissing any facts that don’t support our simplistic reactions.

 

Scrape your knee? Here’s a lollipop! All better! When we eat chocolate because someone didn’t return our phone call, we’re using that kid-logic to address our adult emotional needs.

 

As a 50-year-old, if you still define ‘good food’, the same way you did at your eight-year-old birthday party, you’re kidding yourself. Read one basic article on nutrition and you’ll know our bodies thrive on fresh produce, and have problems with heavily processed food. If you still think vegetables are for health fanatics and fast food and sweets are the only good food, you’re stuck.

 

If you’re continually hungry, thin and weak, you don’t know how to feed yourself properly. Your decisions and calculations about what and how much you need to eat are flawed. If you’re feeling constant drama around food choices, but insist you’re okay, you’re stuck.

 

If you’ve smoked or drank every day for years, and still attest that it’s not affecting your health or that it doesn’t matter, you’re stuck in the mindset of an 18-year-old Jimmy Dean character.

 

When you feel depressed or bored, do you have the habit of turning to alcohol to ‘drown your sorrows’? Has that ever actually worked? Would you advise your best friend to follow your routine? Or, when you’re talking to your friend, would you let the grown-up do the talking?

 

If you think you have to work long hours, day and night, year after year, and leave your young children at home, you haven’t accepted the fact that you are your boss in life. You’re letting your life be ruled by the logic of a 12-year-old who acts as if he has no choice. A mature adult person can consider the precious time a family has together when the kids are young, and plan to optimize this time. To hold your workaholic line, you have to ignore every parenting book, every major religion’s and culture’s view of the value of parenting. Defending your workaholic stance will be a full-time argument in your head.

If you feel the need to be critical and controlling to your kids and spouse, you’re probably really tired about now. It’s destroying your relationships, but you rationalize that you have to do it. Another part of you, just as relentless, keeps piping up, begging you to stop.

 

If your stance about your own addiction or compulsive behavior is not exactly the same advice you’d give to a friend with the same dilemma, you’re going to be embroiled in an exhausting inner argument against the truth.

 

Recognizing a Weakness and Admitting the Need for Help

Most of us have a go-to addiction or compulsive behavior, or a list of them. The point is not to declare that you don’t have that tendency. The point is to figure out a way to keep them in check, to grow through, and eventually, past them.

 

If I’m habitually staying late at work, starting to put on weight, or obsessing about a new person in my life, I know that I’m regressing into one of those self-sabotaging ruts from my past.

 

I’ll see the mental chatter of rationalization ramp up, and hear the soothsayer part of me speak up, saying, “You don’t have good judgment about this. You need help.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I am willing to change.”

- Louise Hay

 

 

The immature response can be dramatic and quick, “What? How dare you? You have no idea how busy I am and all I have to do! This place would go to hell in a handbasket without me!…”, and on and on.

 

Distance yourself from this internal arguing, and instead keep a pulse on your inner peace. From there, you can evaluate the truth of the situation. Easily. Instantly. When your inner peace is running low, it’s likely that you’ve let an argument against the truth go unchecked. Once you notice this, it only takes a minute to tidy up.

 

Addiction Recovery Research and Support… Easier than You Think

People often think that addictions are just a curse you have to live with. The shame and the guilt of living a life of self-sabotage is not something most people want to bring out into the open. And thus it remains… that one container we can’t bear to open up or throw away, and it’s starting to smell!

 

But there is a wide body of knowledge about what perpetuates addiction, how to kick an addiction, or minimize the negative impacts on the addicts and their circle of family and friends. No one said it was easy to kick an addiction, but you know, it’s not easy living life as an addict either. In many cases, huge progress can be made with some simple, doable steps.

When I was first out of college, I fell into the workaholic rut quickly. Smugly, I’d joked to myself and others about being a workaholic. But one day when I left the office at 6:30 am, as another colleague was arriving to start the day, I realized, “Wow, that’s crazy! I have a problem.”

 

I found a book called, “Confessions of a Workaholic” and checked it out of the library. Within a few pages, I found wisdom and insights that seemed to be directly written for me. I was blown away that a condition I’d barely acknowledged could be so easily explained and dissected by someone I’d never met.

 

That book and others I’ve read name every feeling and rationale I’d used to spend my time at work, and the common time management problems that compound the addiction:

  • perfectionist tendencies that increased the scope of work beyond what I’d been asked to do,
  • assuming I had to work longer to cover up how slow or inexperienced I actually was,
  • wasting time during regular work hours so I’d be ‘forced’ to work late, thus appearing more diligent,
  • difficulty making progress on projects because I was hesitant to ask for clarification,
  • procrastinating making important phone calls due to fear or embarrassment for having to ‘bother’ someone again,
  • the natural tendency of projects to expand to fit the time given,

and on and on.

 

The shame and confusion evaporated as I learned what was happening. It was like learning about the digestive system. It changed an emotional, confusing embarrassing situation into a natural process. (Yep, a lot like the digestive system!)

 

Feeling that your relationship with your boss or new love is unhealthy? Need some ideas? Start by “Googling it!” Counselors who’ve spent their lives developing healthy skills for the area you’re struggling with are available at your fingertips. Give up the idea that you are unique and that you must hide in secret and in shame. It will give you some quick tips, as well as ideas of books to read and where to go for more in-depth support.

 

Believing that a compulsive or addictive behavior is a life-sentence will ensure that you are right. Get to a point where you can say, “Yep. This is an area of weakness for me. I am willing to let this pattern go. I’m probably going to need some help to do it.”

 

In many areas, a single book has been enough to turn the course of my life. For me, finding a weekly or more often support group, has been the most powerful key to change. But any change always starts with the recognition of the problem and the willingness to get help.

 

Let’s Pass Down the Best of our Family Values

Have you ever listened to a radio call in show? I used to listen to “Adam and Dr. Drew”. It was on late on weeknights, and teens and adults called in for help with sexual problems.

 

The first couple of times I listened, I was amazed. It was like listening to a fortuneteller, except that they could see the past rather than the future. The caller would hesitantly explain their current problem, then Dr. Drew would ask a few questions. “By any chance, did you have a parent that was extremely strict? Strongly religious perhaps? Controlling?” “By any chance, did you have brothers that teased you about your looks?” “By any chance, were you forced to have sex at an early age?” “By any chance, was one of your parents an alcoholic or drug addict?” “Do you remember being left alone much as a very small child?”

 

The callers and I were surprised when he hit the nail on the head, guessing exactly what had happened to them as young children. After listening to the program for awhile, I saw that he was less of a psychic and more of a data-based analyst.

 

You’d be hard-pressed to find research that shows that addiction is not somehow related to our early childhood. Body composition, life experiences and many other complicating factors may dictate the details of how they play out, but addictions and compulsive behaviors are generally set up in our youth.

 

Flawed behavior in one generation sets up the next. We then pass on our version of flawed parenting, setting up our kids for flawed relationships. Okay, let’s accept that. Who among us can say that we would be able to be, or have been 100% right on target as the loving parents we feel every child deserves. So, chances are we picked up some crazy beliefs as kids.

 

But, we don’t have to pass on the whole package of what our parents gave us kit-and-caboodle, uninspected.

 

Tell me about your treasured family recipes. Do you follow your mom’s potato salad recipe exactly, or do you prefer less mayo? Just because your grandma was famous at potlucks for her jello with pimientos, are you?

 

When we look at our family beliefs and values as a step in evolution, we see clearly that it is our responsibility to tidy things up, to spruce up the good stuff, and to throw out the old useless stuff. Then, yes, we can proudly pass on the best of our family’s traditions and values.

 

Inner Peace Check

You can put your fingers in your ears and say, “Na na na na na na, I can’t hear you.” But truth doesn’t go away, so it won’t be long until you hear its voice bubble up again.

 

The truth is that we have a very short time on the planet, and that we will be fulfilled by being loving toward ourselves and others. The weaknesses in ourselves are not to be hidden, but to be admitted, and seen as challenges that present a way for us to grow into deeper, more compassionate people.

 

When you acknowledge that you have a problem and that help is likely available, you’ll feel a wave of peacefulness wash over you. Your peace meter will be pegged out.

 

 

 


 

Exercises

  • What areas of your life are your go-to addictive or compulsive behaviors? Make a list.
  • What areas used to be problems that are no longer? How did you move through them? What changes did you make? How?
  • Listen to the mental chatter. Is there an area of a heated argument? What is the topic? Is a compulsive or addictive behavior involved?
  • Instead of siding with the addict in your thinking, try to move to the middle. Are there arguments that come from that deeper place of truth you’ve been trying to dismiss? Acknowledge them.
  • List the compulsive behaviors and addictions that you know of for the people nearest you when you were a child.
  • Google it. Allow the possibility that there might be a solution for your problem. Then, google it. “What causes overeating?” “What are the best proven ways to stop smoking for people that have already tried everything?” “How can I stop nagging my kids?” After a week of research, hopefully you’re beginning to consider this more like you would approach a project at work, and less like a big pimple on your butt cheek.
  • Write down a statement about a weakness. Can you honestly say something like, “_______ is an area that I’ve had troubles with. I can see how it is holding me back from my highest potential. I might need help to change and move through it.” Or simply, “I allow the possibility of change,” or “I release the need to hold on to this pattern,” as Louise Hay suggests. Work on variations of this statement daily. See how changing the wording registers with your inner peace meter.
  • Formulate a plan for a first step. This could be as simple as reading a book that you’ve found recommended repeatedly for this problem or signing up for an email newsletter on the topic. It could be attending a support group meeting or contacting a friend that has overcome the problem.
  • Continue monitoring the mental chatter and your level of inner peace. These two can help nudge you to keep you on the right track.

 

Be gentle with yourself. Remember the goal is not to be perfect. It is to get to a point where you can readily identify and seek help for areas of weakness, as you would for a friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you admit that there is a  problem, the bickering couple in your head puts down the vases and gives up arguing.

 

They suddenly remember that they love each other. They are smiling, snuggling on the loveseat in their pajamas.

 

 

 

 

 

Chuseok gifts

I was wandering around in E-Mart two days before the Korean holiday of Chuseok. (This would be like being in SuperTarget two days before Thanksgiving or maybe even Christmas.)

I was first surprised because there were dozens of women throughout the store dressed in traditional Korean clothing, called Hanbok.

Occasionally, I’ve seen women wearing these at a wedding hall or cultural performance, but in this case, I realized, they were sales representatives for various Chuseok gift lines.

Last year I received toothpaste and soap from my employer and a small suitcase-sized box of dried seaweed from friends. This year, I received a gift certificate for a restaurant. Cool!

Boxed Chuseok gifts were hot sellers at E-Mart that day, as shoppers filled their carts with a diverse selection of items:

  • Alcohol: Korean traditional soju or Makgeolli, or Jack Daniels or Chivas whiskey
  • Drinks: Korean ginseng tea, aloe vera juice, or Minute Maid or Del Monte brand orange & grape juice sets
  • Coffee & Tea: Expensive loose green tea sets or instant Maxim or Taster’s choice coffee
  • Oil: Grapeseed oil bottles
  • Herbs: Fresh ginseng roots in boxed sets, set on an elegant red or gold cloth
  • Canned food: Boxed sets of tuna or spam, or combinations of SPAM and dried seaweed packets artfully arranged
  • Fresh fruit: Boxes sets of three large peaches, or a whole flat of purple grapes

 

Know Crazy

“Know crazy”        Heard as a slogan at an Al-Anon meeting

I think this means that you can’t understand something using logic if the situation or person is crazy. When you admit that something is crazy, things will begin to make more sense and then you may be able to find serenity.

Smuggled food

Students aren’t allowed to eat in the classroom. And teachers aren’t allowed to bring in any snacks or treats. The only exception is the occasional piece of candy they get taped to a test or assignment, and they’re under strict orders to put it away and eat it later.

So, when a student sneaks food to me, is it a ploy to let them eat in class; is it bribery or a sincere gift? Quite possibly all the above.

Here are a few recent examples…

One of my eight-year old students was at school almost 30 minutes early. Bored to bits, pacing the halls like a caged tiger, peeking his head into the strictly off-limits teacher’s room and saying “Teacher, Teacher, Hi Teacher!”. About the fifth time ‘greeting’ me, he added, “Come! Please!”

“No, (thanks!), I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Teacher, please! Come!” He motions that he has to something to give me.

Finally, I go to the door. He transfers from his hands to mine, a heap of somewhat worse for wear, potato chips. “For you!,” he says triumphantly.

What do I do with this ‘gift’? I stuffed the whole handful of chips directly in my mouth.  While wondering why were the chips slightly moist and not really crunchy, I made a note to myself, figure out another option for next time.

—–

The next day, I was walking out of the restroom. One of my former students, a seven-year-old girl, grabbed my hand, dashed into the restroom, pulling me with her and closed the door. Oh no, what mishap?, I wondered. She held the door closed with her body, while she wrangled a lollipop from her pants pocket. She tucked it into my hand with a quick smile, then opened the door and darted off to her class.

—-

I walked into a middle school class before the bell rang, and ‘busted’ them eating. No thanks, I said, when they offered me some. Here, you’ve got to try it! It’s a Korean snack! It’s so good! It looks like uncooked ramen noodles, broken up. (The package even has directions with a warning, don’t cook this!) Ignoring my ‘no’, they tried to stuff some in my mouth for me, insisting I’d love it. That time, I was quick enough to get away!

—

Finally, a new student joined a middle school class. The other students were griping about the class, as they had to do a pretty difficult listening test. But the new guy enjoyed the thrill of the new environment, the students, the class and maybe even the teacher. Standing in line, waiting for the bell to ring, the others whined about life or edged in front of each other to leave class a fraction of a second earlier.

The new guy was oblivious to all of that. He stood there glowing. Suddenly, he reached into his bag and produced a piece of gum, wrapped and new looking in ‘mint’ condition (haha). I accepted the gift, said thanks and mumbled that I couldn’t eat it now, but would keep it.  When I looked back at him, he had a sad look then a smile flashed. He must have thought that one piece wasn’t quite enough. He dug around and quickly produced a second piece of unscathed, beautifully wrapped gum, placed it in my hand and then smiled contently.

The bell rang, the other students left in a mob, he made a quick headbow goodbye, smiled and floated out the door and down the hall.

—-

 

 

Sunday afternoon for students

After swimming at the far beach (two blocks away instead of one), I ran into a couple of my rascally students. They were wet and peering over the edge of the seawall to the water below, excitedly pointing at fish below.  One had a fishing pole, the surfcast style with no reel. He had a green piece of plastic with a bunch of string wrapped around it (fishing line or kite string?). He leaned back and launched his ‘hook’. It was then that I saw a really big rusty nail tied to the end of the string.

“What, do you actually catch fish with that?,” I asked

“Yes!,” he said.

“No!,” his friend said.

“Teacher, Teacher,” the friend said, “My diary tomorrow: ‘I dived in the beach”’ He pointed to the beach beyond. Cool, he’s already composing his diary in English.

Hollow win

Well, I won the song battle with my students. I learned Someday by IU, I’m the Best by 2NE1, and Love in the Milky Way by 10cm.

But, they didn’t have time to do it. The three of them, fifth and sixth graders, they were staying up until midnight to complete their ‘vacation homework’. After their rounds studying flute, piano. calligraphy, abacus, science, math and more, they were exhausted. During that week, for the first time ever, I saw these students struggling to keep their eyes open in class.

So, I didn’t have the heart to extract my payment of pizza from them, if they failed to learn the three songs they chose: Lemon Tree (done), You Are My Sunshine (done), Puff the Magic Dragon (fail).

Think it’s easy? Try singing along with this one: Someday by IU. (It’s the easiest of the three.)

It took me roughly 100-200 listens to get each song down, plus lots of writing down the pronunciation so I could do it. Then, it took multiple tries to get a song down, as I recorded my singing track on top of the original using the free audio program, Audacity.