Monthly Archives: April 2012

I’m Going to Hay House Writer’s Workshop! (…or H-E-L-P is not a four-letter word)

I have to admit, my ego often gets the best of me. I usually think “I’m all that!” (Just ask anyone close to me and they’ll concur.)  So, when you’re a card-carrying egotist, it’s hard to accept when “I’m NOT all that”, and what initially seems worse, that I need help.

Here’s what I mean…

Over a year ago, my sister and other encouragers started sending me emails about the Hay House Writer’s Workshop. “You should do this!” “This is a perfect fit for your book!”

Like most people, I like to argue with good advice. But, since I’ve said, “I want to grow up to be Louise Hay,” and I’ve been writing a book that actually would be a perfect fit, I was intrigued.

But, when I was reading those emails, I was in South Korea and later, in Saudi Arabia. The workshops were in San Diego or New York.

So, it was just a couple weeks ago that I remembered about the workshop, as I was imagining myself as the next version of my hero: sweet, inspiring, lovely Louise Hay. I checked the 2012 Hay House Writer’s Workshop schedule and saw that the next workshop was in Denver on April 28-29. Hey, I’ll be in Denver those days too, because I live here (for now)!

Slight problem. I’m cash and credit poor at the moment. Hmmm. After mulling it about for a couple days, I realized, I have two choices:

1 – Give up. This is the results of this thinking, “I can do it later.” “I don’t need anyone’s help.” “Now’s not the right time.”

- OR -

2 – Ask for help.

Argggghhh, how I resist asking for help. I loved being that person that had her financial sh!t together, who could help others. I bristle at being the one that has to ask for help.

So I bought lottery tickets for a few days, but no luck! After a few days, I threw up my hands and asked God/universe, “Really?” Okay, I’ll do it.

So, I asked for help. I decided if I could get 11 $50 sponsors, I could do it. I called on friends and family, and invited them to join the “Inner Peace Circle”. Well that was a week ago, and I already have 8 sponsors and am confident that 3 more will turn up.

I agree with how Byron Katie says it, that anything that we think, “I could never bear that”, is probably something we should just do. And that’s how it feels. I thought it would be hard to humble myself and ask for help. It was just a little. What’s been better is feeling the reciprocal nature of growth, when someone that I ask, actually wants to help.

And together, we’re walking along this very fun, exciting, inspiring path of life.

And I’m again learning that when you need help it’s okay. And H-E-L-P is not a four-letter word.

I hope you will join me in spirit!

- Hay House Writer’s Workshop April 28-29, Denver, Colorado

Stuck? Go to the library!

View from the 2nd Floor of the Denver Library

Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty good in most areas of my life: eating, exercise, family relationships, friendships. It wasn’t always this way. On these topics, I’ve learned a lot from many programs, books, audio books and DVDs.

Right now, the area I could improve is my finances. I used to be pretty on top of this, but over the past few years, my stellar reputation with finances has been tarnished.

It’s tough to get out of a rut on your own. Think about it! If you learned these patterns from your family and friends, you’re probably not going to get out of the same habits by repeatedly talking to them.

That’s why I love the library! This week, I got Suze Orman’s DVD “Women & Money” and I’ve already picked up a few new concepts.

For one, she says, usually women care about relationships more than things. The mistake is that we treat money as a thing. But really, money is something we need to have a healthy relationship with. We should treat it like a friend. If we take care of it, it can take care of us when we need help.

Another thing that rang true for me is that women tend to be overly generous. I got into trouble with this when I first got connected to Africa. But, she says, Generosity is just one of the eight qualities of a wealthy woman. And you need to be generous to yourself too.

I want to be a wealthy woman because I want to do really big things, in many countries, throughout my life. And for that, I want money to be there to support me in those dreams.

Here are the eight qualities:

  • Harmony & Balance
  • Wisdom & Courage
  • Generosity & Happiness
  • Cleanliness & Beauty

I really appreciated learning about this because I have found each of these qualities to be extremely valuable in my life. But before I watched the video, I didn’t really connect them to my relationship with money.

So, if you’re feeling stuck, I hope you will find some inspiration and relief, quickly and easily at the library! Whether it’s a bad habit, an addiction, a compulsive behavior, or just some new aspect you want to explore, go!

Why the library and not the internet? For those aspects I’ve been doing my best to ignore, having a physical book or DVD sitting there reminds me that I do want to learn and grow in this area.

If you try it, let me know how it goes and your strategies for getting unstuck!  And, you can read more: Ch16: Get Yerself Some New Friends

Ch08 Don’t Worry About Me

“I’m worried about you.”

“I’m afraid things won’t work out for you.”

 

These are common statements most of us grew up hearing and using. They are pretty standard attempts to express love.

 

But, what I learned later is that this is not love. This is definitely not love. In fact, statements of worry and fear are the furthest thing from love.

 

Worry is fear, pretending to be love.

 

The same set of teachers that brought me along through other lessons, led me to reexamine the use of fear in my life.

 

In Al-Anon, the Twelve Step program, I learned that worry and fear about someone is as useless as idle chatter. But worse, it’s as damaging as gossip or slander.

 

And in Ghana, I learned about this from some great teachers.

 

What I experienced was that when you have nothing, you don’t fear losing it. If you don’t have a job, you don’t fear losing it. When you are hungry, you don’t fear being hungry.

 

And when I’d fret about these things, my friends looked at me as if I was a small child. They smiled, and gently said, “All shall be well.”

 

Of course, this just made me want to argue with them. But it’s hard to argue this and pretty pointless. Still, I tried.

 

In the west, we do act as if we are in charge of everything. So, when something goes wrong, it’s someone’s fault. If something’s not working, it’s a problem that needs to be fixed.

 

But in the areas I know in Ghana, so many have so little. The foundational aspects of our economy, what we consider basic rights, are often completely missing:  clean drinking water,  free education, books and libraries, sewer systems, reliable electricity, clean public restrooms, homeless shelters, and on and on.

 

So, an individual that works hard and is creative in Ghana, may still face problems that our grandparents faced, but we in more affluent countries have not.

 

In my mind, if anyone could justify worrying, it’s them, not me.

 

But, my friends taught me how to enjoy the day, and how to have faith that all shall be well.

 

To waste a day worrying is seen as being immature. We see children whining, and we say, Grow up!

 

That’s the message I got when I worried. Grow up! Evolve! The elders in this community have taught the young that worrying (like whining) is immature and a habit that can be and should be outgrown.

 


 

Holding on to the Right to Worry?

I don’t know why this is. But many people that are otherwise enlightened, hold on tightly to their right to worry.

 

They say, It’s normal. It’s natural. I always worry about myself and about others. I have to. Everybody does. If I didn’t, I couldn’t manage my life.

 

But that’s the small approach to life.

 

Connect to what worry feels like. When someone says they are worried about you, how do you feel? Discouraged.

 

And when someone expresses hope and a vision that things will work out? Encouraged.

 

Taking away or giving courage to someone. Which would you rather do? Give up your right to worry. Live large.

 

Instead of insisting on your right to worry, instead, insist on your right to hope.

 

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”-  Dalai Lama

A Physical Approach to Handling Fear

 

“Fear is excitement without the breath.”

- Fritz Perls

 

There are two kinds of fear. There is the kind that you feel when a large animal is chasing after you. And there’s the kind that’s associated with worry. It’s this second kind that tears you up, inside and out.

 

When you pay attention to how fear feels, you’re likely to feel fear in your gut. We already know this and talk about this. We say we feel butterflies in our stomach, queasy or nauseous as we’re waiting to make a speech or do something we fear.

 

When your mind is racing with worries, you can use a body-based strategy to physically discharge your fears. Deep breathing, dancing, sitting on the ground, and acupuncture are just a handful of the possible solutions.

 

In Sahaja Yoga, we were taught to simply sit on the ground when your mind is racing. For me, sitting on the ground directly, instead of on a chair or a cushion, always helps me quickly feel …grounded!

 

I also learned simple techniques from books by Dr. Ann Marie Chiasson.  One is just bouncing up and down and letting your arms and head go. The result is that as you hit the ground each time, your whole body seems to flop and jar gently like jumping on a trampoline. This is exactly what we learned in African dancing …and maybe one reason that style of dance feels so profoundly good to me.

 

Gay Hendricks teaches about fear and relationships. His insights about the few types of fear, breathing exercises and strategies for moving through it all, are inspirational and helpful.

 

After a Pause, Pave a New Path

When you worry, you are digging a rut in your future. As you imagine the mishaps, and worse and worse consequences, you will start to spin out of control and you’ll feel it in your gut.

 

First, take a physical approach to pause your fears. Then, work with your thoughts. Rewind and try again.

 

Not sure where to start? Byron Katie is an author and master at the process of inquiry. Her methods show you how to examine your thoughts effectively.

 

When you imagine a surprising blessing, a fortuitous meeting or a smooth resolution, you’ll feel better immediately. And you’ll know you’re on the right path.

 

It’s really that easy.

 

If worrying is what you’ve done since birth, it’s going to be a bit difficult to find a new route. That’s where your new friends come in. Find teachers that offer solid advice in person, or find books, audio books or DVDs with guided imagery and affirmations that resonate with you.

 

So, really, if you love me, don’t worry about me.

 

Exercises

  • Justifying worries

If I tell you, “Don’t worry,” what do you say? List your justifications for worrying. Analyze them and see if you really believe them or not.

  • Physical fear

How does fear register in your body? Make a note of it. Do you feel it in your gut as a tightness or queasiness, or something else? Is it different at work or in intimate relationships?

  • Flipping a worry over

When you feel yourself starting to worry about something, pause. Flip it over. Replay the story with “hope”.

  • Justifying hope

Come up with three benefits to giving up worry and replacing it with hope. Think of the physical ramifications for your own body and the impact you’ll have on yourself and loved ones.

  • Gratitude

Can you see the silver lining of the thing you are worrying about? There is always one! Find it and be thankful for it.

  • Releasing fears

What are some things you used to be afraid of, that you aren’t afraid of now? How did you move beyond those fears? Ask your friends for strategies too. Develop a toolbox of fear-busting affirmations and exercises.

 

 

Worry is Fear, pretending to be Love.

 

Ch15 Lose Your Labels

A man walks into a meeting. A woman greets him.

“Good morning, I’m a 2007 Lexus. And this is our executive vice president, 1980 Restored Mustang.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m a 2012 Jaguar.”

“Have you met my assistant, 2009 Ford Focus and our office manager, Rides-the-Bus?”

 

Silly, right? You might shudder at the thought of identifying a person with their mode of transportation. But, we misidentify each other just as seriously every day.

 

We identify ourselves with “I am” but then link it to some temporal feature or accident of birth. When you see someone, it’s common to identify that person with “He is” or “She is” by a feature:

  • young, old
  • fat, skinny
  • rich, poor
  • black, white,
  • African, Korean, American
  • homeowner or homeless.

 

But, in no way, do these features begin to capture the essence of that person. Instead, you are seeing something as trivial as a mode of transportation. Or, it’s as if you’re mixing up the person with their choice of clothes today.

 

And, when we focus on what makes us different from others, we are setting ourselves up for conflict, disappointment or a feeling of separateness. If you put your antenna up, you can feel yourself start to bristle. It’s this separateness that is needed to start an argument, continue a conflict, or to feel envy, loneliness or resentment.

 

Losing My Labels

I learned this personally over a few years, when one by one, I lost the labels that I’d used to prop up my self-esteem.

 

After a divorce, I was no longer a wife. With no kids at home, I didn’t feel like a mother. I distanced myself from my family so I wasn’t much of a daughter or sister then either.

 

I quit my job as an engineer. As I tossed aside that job title, my finances also crashed. I went from being a homeowner and landlord, to a debtor with no place to call home. I had been one that helped the kids financially, picked up the tab at dinner, or bought the unexpected gift. Suddenly, I was unable to do any of that. I was staying for weeks or months in the spare bedroom or on the extra couch.

 

In my late 40’s, I’d also giving up any claims to being a sexy siren. (Actually, I never claimed that role, but got there a bit later …but that’s another book!)

 

During this period of losing my outward identity, I went to Ghana. There I found people that had less than I did. I had an American passport, the ability to get a travel visa easily, could read and write, had a college education, and a multitude of opportunities. There, I made friends who at age 16 had not yet learned to read, who had no parents, no birth certificate, no passport, no money in the bank and no job prospects. With an estimated unemployment rate of 70 percent, I imagined people would be sulking and downtrodden, bemoaning their fate.

And yet, they had a presence about them.

 

Those of us that have invested our identities in our achievements and our stuff, spend a lot of time fearing the loss of it. My friends in Ghana impressed me with a groundedness, and a sense of being satisfied and content, no matter what. This was a stark contrast to myself, and what I knew as normal behavior. Where we Americans had a sense of fragility, irritability and oversensitivity, they had a sense of contentment, strength and joy.

 

I felt the power of their presence as a profound healing impact. Having dropped so many labels, myself, I was feeling free but teetering ungrounded. But the more I was around them, the more I appreciated this outlook. And I realized that I could have this powerful healing impact on others …and that it was totally unrelated to my bank account, my job title, or family.

 

 

“The identity you think you are, does not exist.”

- Hugh Prather

 

And at that point in time, when I’d dropped those labels,

so many miracles happened. Family relationships that I’d been trying to wrestle into my assigned world view, suddenly ironed themselves out. When I didn’t have money to spend, others stepped forward and developed new bonds with each other. When I needed a place to live, friends and family allowed me in. I showed up and was able to pitch in. I babysat, drove, cooked and counseled. None of this depended on my bank account or job status.

 

Ego was and is probably one of my biggest challenges. When I lost my financial and professional prowess, I was humble. Without money or a place to live, I had to be humble. That was a blessing and a lesson long overdue: one that I have to review, again and again.

 

Not attaching to an outer view of yourself allows you to move freely and flow smoothly through life’s ups and downs, learning to cry less and laugh more!

 

Identity Theft

Teaching in South Korea in 2010, I learned that the suicide rate was skyrocketing. Some parents tell children: “There are too many of us. You have to compete.” And many parents measure their child’s worth with their test scores. Children are pushed to study longer and score higher, at all costs. Some stressed-out students jump to their deaths when they do poorly on tests or imagine that they might.

 

Professionals there, as elsewhere in the world, often strongly identify themselves with their jobs and their status. And as the economy waivered, friends who lost their jobs, dropped out of communication …unable or unwilling to be in contact if their finances or status were not up to their expectations. They attached their identities to their positions, and when the economy crashed, so did they.

 

Identifying the value of yourself with your achievements, your scores or your positions is risky. When someone misidentifies themselves as a ‘failure’, depression and suicide are associated risks.

 

If you find yourself saying, “I’m a failure,” you’re a victim of your own identity theft.

 

Get a Good View of Life’s Ups and Downs

In my twenties and thirties, things came easily to me. University degree, marriage, kids, jobs and houses. But as life often does, what is given can also be taken away. And most people experience these ups and downs. If you attach your identity and your happiness to these things, you’ll be disappointed and in shock if and when they are gone.

Imagine yourself as a tiny speck on a bicycle tire. If you position yourself on the outside of the bicycle tire, you’ll sail through times of sunny blue sky, then suddenly be flung through mud and thorns and rocks. But if instead, you move to the center of the wheel, you’ll be just fine.

 

Growing up we had a merry-go-round on the playground. You could hold on to the bars on the outside edge and run and get it going pretty fast. It would take all your speed and strength to hop on and hold on. But if you could crawl to the center, you could sit peacefully, smiling,  watching the world go by.

 

Knowing that you are not simply your labels puts you in the peaceful center.

 

Take a Step Back: Mid-Day Adjustments

Even if you have a clear identity for yourself at the beginning of the day, it’s common to lose it as you go through the day.

  • “I got so caught up in my work, I lost track of time.”
  • “I was so into this project, I forgot to eat.”
  • “I’m in such a panic about getting everything done, I worked until 2 am!”

 

When I feel myself getting all wound up about something, I notice the feeling first. Then, I know I need to take a step back and get a new perspective.

 

Your Life vs Your Life Story

Eckhart Tolle says it succinctly. “Don’t confuse your life with your life story.” Your life is the unchanging “I am”. Your life story is the series of ups and downs, the saga that unfolds over time. Sure you can describe yourself, but don’t attach to any of that description of those temporary features.

 

My favorite mantra is one I learned in Sahaja Meditation:

“I am not this body, these thoughts or this day.”

 

This reminds me not to attach my identity to the current drama unfolding, the story.

 

See yourself as the movie viewer holding the popcorn, gasping, crying and chuckling as the story twists and turns. On the screen, the title appears, “My Life: The Romantic Comedy.” Appreciate the richness of the story, but don’t attach yourself to it. When that episode is over, you are unscathed. Life is more fun from this perspective.

 

I am…

The better way to complete “I am” is something you can capture in your own words. For me, when I start to feel separate, I think, “I am more like you than unlike you. I am connected to you. I am part of you. You are part of me.  We are overlapping souls.”

 

And further, I know that I am connected to those that went before me and those that will follow. So, “I am connected to my father. He is connected to me. I am part of him. He is part of me.” I am trying to life my life as best as I can. And so are you. And so is she.

 

That means, “I am” is unchanging. Nothing can hurt me. What’s important about my dad lives on. What’s important about me also will live on. Thus, “I am one with all. I am eternal.”

 

Thus, simply “I am.” = “We are.”

 

Understanding the difference between your life and your life story allows you to weather the storms. You can sigh and relax with that amused chuckle, knowing that any challenge is certainly a blessing in disguise.

 

“Transform loss and change into gift and opportunity.”

- Shakti Gawain

 


 

How Meditation Helps

Our most serious struggles happen internally. All the various roles we have taken on argue their sides of the story. But when we take a few minutes to just sit, the voices have their say but then within a short time, it becomes clear that there’s no one to argue with.

 

When I get to this “I am, We are” state, things quiet down nicely. I laugh as I imagine something like a global kindergarten holding hands in a circle!

 

In this state, I can see myself as I would see a good friend or a newborn baby. I dismiss the fears and worries, and see a person that is a stunning, gift of creation that is not limited by any temporary role or situation. The world is full of possibilities and fun awaits!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exercises

  • Introducing Yourself

Notice how you introduce yourself in business, school and social situations. What did you say? What did the other person say? How did you feel?

  • Visualize a New Introduction

Imagine meeting someone in the future in these settings. Before you say anything, remind yourself, “I am more like you than different. I am part of you and you are part of me.” “We are overlapping souls.” Use these words or your own.

  • Quick Adjustment

If you notice that you have stopped taking care of your body, are berating yourself or feel tension building, stop. Develop a quick ritual to adjust your perspective: a few minutes looking out the window, a walk and an affirmation will do the trick. “I am not this body, these thoughts or this day. I am …bigger, one with everything.”

  • Edit out ‘failure’

Do you ever hear yourself saying, “I’m a failure.” Edit out this red flag for misidentification. Find the humor and the good twists of fate that have come out of any perceived shortcomings, by appreciating your uniqueness.

  • Watch from a distance

When you hear the ranting in your head, criticizing and finding shortcomings, use the image of watching a movie of your life story. Lighten up and enjoy the show.

 

“I am not

this body,

these thoughts,

or this day.”

- Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi