Everyone knows the Dalai Lama.

So, I was surprised how I reacted when I read a passage in his book, How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life:

“Anger is not necessary. It has no value.”

My first reaction was that it really pissed me off!

How dare he say that!

After all, how can someone judge someone else’s life? How can he, not knowing me or anyone, know what situations we face in a day? How frustrating life can be. How difficult people swoop in and mess up our plans, our days and our lives.

But, really, it’s hard to stay on this self-righteous path very long when you’re comparing yourself to the Dalai Lama. Most of us know the general outline of his life. As the spiritual leader of Tibet from a young age, he witnessed the brutality firsthand as his community of monks was killed, tortured and exiled. Yet, he lives his life with the singular purpose spreading the message of forgiveness and peace.

And he says, without hesitation:

“Anger is not necessary. It has no value.”

Anger: What Regrets Are Made Of

What I know is that those times I did get angry, I remember. And I regret.

I pride myself on being a kind teacher. Even on Monday mornings, even when I’m not feeling well, my goal is to bring it!

But on one day, I lost it. An adult student was repeatedly disrupting the class. I told him strongly to leave, “Get out”. He didn’t budge. I’d never experienced that kind of reaction in my years of teaching adults. Kids yeah, but not adults.

He didn’t. I pointed to the door, and stood firmly and said it again, louder, and still he sat.

Then, I yelled, “Get the *#$@ out of my class!”

In that one moment, I did so much damage. The days, weeks, months of teaching, planning and caring flew out the window with that one three-second outburst. I lost my hallmark.

Over the next few weeks, I studied that incident. I realized that even on days when I meditated, ate right, rested well and prepared to my best ability, I was occasionally still losing my cool: yelling or letting a (less remarkable) curse word fly.

The thing is, I’m kind of a hard-ass in class. I’m a stickler about being on time and following the rules. This has worked well for me and most of my students. But it didn’t work at that school. I was just taking everything way too seriously for that school, in general.

I could have blamed it on the students, the class size, the school policies or something else. But the point is, my behavior is my responsibility. I realized that that position wasn’t right for me, and I quit. I found a new position at a more academically-oriented school, and it was a good fit.

Forgivable, but not Forgettable

When we look back at our lives, these moments of anger are permanent dents in our track record. They can be smoothed over, forgiven, and even a stepping stone to something better, but they are rarely forgotten.

It’s better to give up the idea that anger is necessary or useful. Instead, let’s figure out where it’s popping up and how to avoid it in the future.

Exercises

• Think back over your life and recall moments of anger by you or someone near you. Did anger help that situation?
• Tomorrow, notice if there is a time when you get angry. Notice if you are near others who are angry.
• What is the reason for the anger?
• Is it a ‘good’ reason?
• What would be a ‘good reason’ to get angry?
• When is anger a valid response?
• How does anger improve the situation? Does it?

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” – Chinese Proverb