Category Archives: Writing

Ch18 Express Yourself Creatively

“You know those things you’ve always wanted to do? You should probably go do them!”

- Anonymous

A surefire way to cut the noise in your head, or at least change it up, is to pursue your dreams and express yourself creatively.

In Korea, a fun night out is when a group of friends goes to a singing room. People that don’t go (or won’t go) say, “Oh, I’m a terrible singer.” And, “You must be a good singer.”

People that regularly go and enjoy it, know that it has nothing to do with singing skill. The acoustics are generally awful: deafeningly loud with extreme reverb or other unhelpful effects. The microphones sometimes work well, and other times barely at all. And still, it doesn’t matter. When I go, we choose rooms where there’s no alcohol. Just a big book of songs, and we’re set.

Enjoying two hours in a singing room is about being together. Singing is just an excuse to be together in a way that often feels deeper, and more authentic than other group activities. Singing together requires people to be courageous, to sing songs they’ve never tried before, or admit they like songs that others might think are corny or off-the-wall.

Are you a good dancer?

Can you sing? Can you dance? Are you a good singer? Are you a good dancer?

I’d never really thought about the underlying message of these questions. If you’re good enough, then yes, go ahead and do it. But if not, it’s better to skip it.

I forgot that I loved to dance for a couple decades. When the focus is on a level of skill, an offer to sing or dance is usually declined. Most people say no and explain, “I’m pretty awkward on the dance floor.” “I’m a terrible dancer.” “I only sing in the shower.” “I’m too shy.”

Pride urges you to not try things you’re not really good at. But, that doesn’t really make sense, does it? How can you get good at something if you don’t try it? And don’t you have to start as an unskilled beginner in anything new?

At age 46, I took up African dancing. Doing so, opened up a new world to me and I made new friends and learned new ways of thinking and being.

My Ghanaian teacher often repeated, “If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing.” Doing so, he taught us that in the Ghanaian view, singing and dancing are natural. If you have a body and a voice, acknowledge it. Use them. Move. Sing. Share.

A Ghanaian singing teacher, urges students who are learning traditional African songs, “Fake it!” He says if you don’t know the words or the melody yet, who cares! Sing now. Sing loudly. You’ll figure out the words and melody quickest as you sing.

And one night, out with friends in Ghana, they noticed the dance floor was empty. “Oh, good. Go, now, on the dance floor. We’ll video you!”, they told me.

Why would I ever want to do that, I wondered aloud. They looked at me incredulous that they would have to explain such a basic concept, “Because! You have to express yourself!”  Uh, okay. So I did.

Two Year-Olds can Sing and Dance Until…

Every child starts out singing and dancing. They can sing and dance, until they learn not to.

Go with that innate spontaneity. It can help you reconnect with that naturally joyful state, before your perfectionist critic gets a word in edgewise.

Expressing yourself creatively is more about Being, less about Doing!

Having a Creative Path Strengthens Relationships

Why is it that some couples thrive over time, and others go stale or break up? Gay Hendricks suggests that partners that each have a creative path improves the likelihood of a  healthy relationship.

Expressing yourself can be anything from writing poetry, sculpting or painting, to doing woodworking, learning dance or joining a hiking club. Finding your own creative path provides you the calm refuge from the storm, a place you can go and feel the divine coursing through you. You’ve got to express yourself!

 

“I want to sing

like the birds sing,

not worrying

about who hears

or what they think.”

- Rumi


 

Shift From Ego to Divine

If you think a creative expression is all from you and due only to your skill, your shoulders are going to hurt!

If you’ve ever written, painted or created music, you know that you are a channel. You are an open faucet, letting the divine flow through. If you close the faucet, nothing is going to happen.

 

Exercises

  • Who do you admire for the way they express themselves? Do some people criticize their work? Does it stop them?
  • In what ways do you hesitate to express yourself? Are you shy about a certain aspect of your life? e.g. Do your work friends know you like to write poetry?
  • Is there something you loved to do as a kid, but you no longer do? Art, singing, dancing, playing? Is there a way to reconnect to any of that in a way that fits you now? Start big by enrolling in a class. Or start small. Find music you can dance to at home, or doodle when waiting for a meeting.
  • Make a goal that within two months you will share some form of personal expression. Sound a little scary? Good!
  • Read about the life of a favorite author, musician or artist. Are there parts of their paths that parallel yours?
  • Keep checking in on your inner peace status to inform your decisions. If you really feel like singing or dancing, but hear a lot of chatter from an internal critic, just listen and chuckle. Come up with a gentle step like, “I’ll try it once and see how it goes.”

The God Who Only Knows Four Words

Every

Child

Has known God,

Not the God of names,

Not the God of don’ts,

Not the God who ever does

Anything weird,

But the God who only knows four words

And keeps repeating them, saying:

“Come dance with Me.”

Come

Dance

- Hafiz

Ch12 Meet Your Parasympathetic System

If you’re stressed out, your parasympathetic system is out of shape.

 

Most of Western physical education is directed to our sympathetic nervous system: the fight-or-flight abilities. If you can run fast and jump high, you’re great at sports and thus, you appear healthy. Being able to go, go, go is due to the abilities of your Sympathetic Nervous System. When you’re running down the basketball court, digestion, defecation, urination, sexual arousal and sleep are (hopefully) not the body’s top priority.

 

But there are two parts to your Autonomic Nervous System. The complement to the sympathetic nervous system is the Parasympathetic Nervous System. If you’re like me, you might think, I remember something about that from biology class, but had no clue how it related to my quality of life.

 

The parasympathetic system is responsible for the part of your body that stimulates the rest-and-digest activities in your body.

 

And like the yin and yang of any situation, it’s great to be able to go, go, go, but we also need to be able to stop.  A healthy body goes back to a low resting heart rate, and works on those important tasks of maintaining and recharging our bodies.

 

If you are having problems with digestion, gas, sleeping, sexual arousal, defecation or urination, the problem is some aspect of the parasympathetic system. You’ve got a flabby, out-of-shape parasympathetic system.

 

Not knowing how to calm your mind and body down so you can sleep or digest will manifest health problems, similar to how a lack of physical exercise manifests the inability to move with agility or speed.

 

My parent’s generation didn’t talk about working on their triceps, lats or abductors. But we do. And we learned the specific exercises to strengthen and tone our bodies. Weightlifting, stretching, running, dancing or playing sports are all options we know and use.

 

It’s worth learning a similar regimen of exercises to ensure that the other half: the parasympathetic system is cared for. Breathing exercises, guided meditation, tai chi or dozens of other approaches can be used.

 

If we as a society knew how to maintain our parasympathetic systems, could we eliminate or reduce ‘stress-related disease’? That would be huge, right?

 

Enjoying life to the fullest happens when we are in balance. Knowing how to maintain our bodies sympathetic and parasympathetic systems are foundational techniques. Let’s learn these, teach our kids and practice them. We’re worth it!

 

Peace in Every Bite

When I was in Korea once, I stayed overnight at Buddhist Temple. There we got a glimpse of the monastic life, living by their rules for a day.

 

In order to eat with the monks, we were first trained on the detailed mealtime ritual. We unwrapped our chopsticks, placed bowls carefully, were served, ate and cleaned up in a prescribed, quiet manner.

 

By not talking during the mealtime, our sense of appreciation for the meal itself was heightened. I noticed the texture of the handmade bowl, the way our rice was scooped onto our plates, the small piece of radish I used to clean my bowl when I was done. We were also instructed to eat every morsel we took, so we were careful to not take more than we were actually hungry for.

 

With all the talking gone, the meal itself became a wonderfully soothing way to recharge body and spirit.

 

Rest and digest

Knowing that the parasympathetic system has two big jobs of resting and digesting, it makes sense to figure out how to improve the quality of these two functions.

  • Just as you would think about and take proactive steps to help the rest and digestion for a small child, take the same steps for yourself.
  • Make mealtimes a nurturing, soothing time.
  • If you have to discuss something contentious, choose a time other than mealtimes to hash it out.
  • Consider the surroundings. Arrange chairs, table and the setting to have a refreshing view.
  • Choose healthy, colorful, beautiful food to make mealtimes a healing time.
  • At night, notice the stream of thoughts. If you’ve forgotten to do something or are procrastinating about something, write it down and make a plan for tomorrow.
  • If your mind is racing, develop a practice to calm down. Sit on the floor for 5-10 minutes before bedtime, or distract the worrying mind with a quick gratitude list.
  • If your body is fidgety, develop a new nighttime ritual. Try a few things and see what works: Take a walk an hour or two before bed. Eliminate caffeine late in the day. Do some stretching or listen to some sweet music.
  • If you’re having serious symptoms with your resting or digesting, begin research and commit to trying various solutions to improve your health.

 

 

Learn how to provide

peaceful states for your body so it can properly rest and digest.

 


 

Instant Relief

Throughout the day, notice your stress level. When it peaks, try a quick calming technique:

  • Gaze at the sky, a natural scene, puppies or babies.
  • Laugh!
  • Make a gratitude list.
  • Step away from your work. Stretch.
  • Share an encouraging message with a friend. (text, social media, letter)
  • Take care of a niggling detail of life, instead of putting it off one more day.

 

Calming your mind supports the parasympathetic system  functions. Learning how to manage stress will improve your behavior and inner peace, as well as your physical condition.


Exercises

  • Does your fitness routine include any training for calming your parasympathetic system? Do you already have some techniques you use: deep breathing, massage, walking, meditation or prayer to calm your body down?
  • Do you have any troubles with falling asleep at night? Does your mind race or your body twitch? Do you have techniques for calming down so you can sleep well?
  • How is your digestion? Do you have indigestion or feel bloated or uncomfortable? What are your mealtimes like? Are they a nurturing, soothing time or are they argumentative and rushed?
  • What are the physical symptoms you notice that remind you you’re getting stressed out, as you move through your day? What quick fix techniques work for you? Develop a list of five techniques and use them proactively when you detect a hint of stress. Change your top five techniques over time to keep it fresh and effective.
  • Change your fitness routine to include calming exercises, weekly or daily. Give them the same importance as your other fitness activities. Re-evaluate, revise and deepen every month.

 

 

 

 

Popcorn and movies don’t go together

There was something about eating at the movies that seemed like a free pass. At home, there’s no way I would have made myself a huge bucket of popcorn and poured artificially-colored yellow motor oil on it. (Buckets at home were used for cleaning up …the other way.) And at home I never conjured a 2-quart bucket-ette of Coca-Cola, or sat down with a box of Red Vines for myself.

I also never ate Good & Plenty’s anywhere but the theatre. And I never bought huge, expensive but surprisingly empty boxes of Raisinettes, except there. And as theater movie evolved, I’d try just about anything. Rolo ice cream. Nachos, you name it.

Paying exorbitant prices for it and eating it in the dark, in my mind, somehow paid the price up front. So, I didn’t think about the calories or crappy ingredients. I settled into my seat in the dark, and ate and ate and drank without thinking about it. It was magical.

That is, until I joined a weight loss support group (PRISM).

In that program we committed to eating only nutritious food, in various phases and stages. And we wrote down everything we ate and computed the caloric and other values. Really, it was the other way around. We computed the calories, then decided what to eat.

At first, this totally ruined the moviegoing experience for me. Knowing that I couldn’t eat all that stuff and having been so conditioned to do it, I couldn’t concentrate on the movie itself. I kept looking around for something to stuff in my mouth or sip on. At first.

But about halfway through the first movie, I realized that this new way was not a prison. It was freedom.

How many times have you been biting into a warm, gooey snack just as they pan to the scene of the recently found murder victim. Ewwwww!

Or, the vampire is sucking blood from her neck, just as you realize the last sip on your straw is the icy bottom of your monster Sprite.  Eck!

Without food in the movie theater, the experience is refreshingly about seeing the movie.

This is what doing things mindfully means. It’s not a preachy, boring way to live. It’s the opposite. It’s the liberated, totally alive way to experience what you’re actually doing. Sure, have a little food just for fun now and then. But as a way of life, it’s not very fulfilling. (Just filling!)

I was almost a little upset with peacemaker Thich Nhat Hanh, the prolific Buddhist monk. He wrote the book (with Dr. Lilian Cheungh) that I wanted to write next:

Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life

I’m okay with it though, haha! It’s a message that can’t be stated enough or in too many ways.

Eating mindfully is part of our spiritual path. That means when we’re noticing what the heck we’re eating, we’re going to make better choices for ourselves and the planet. And you’re going to avoid any more of those moments when blood is dripping on the  screen, just as a glop of nacho cheese lands on your chin.

Ch29 Choose Inner Peace and Fun!

At the beginning of this book, I asked you to think about how you would define a successful life.

 

Now, I hope you will see that whatever your definition of success is, it rests on a foundation of, or is perhaps entirely replaced by, Inner Peace.

 

By now you have a taste of the fun part of this transformation. It is that we can immediately eliminate the futile efforts that we’ve been accustomed to: all the worrying, being afraid, creating chaos, and wishing things were different. None of that ever worked, anyhow, but it was a huge energy drain. By giving that all up, you will feel jubilant and lighter instantly.

 

Accepting that we are already everything we need to be is the first step. We are: at our core, we are all Love, Peace and Joy.  All of this is waiting inside of us, it’s a simple, but steady job to stay connected to it.

 

Realizing that it is human nature to forget that or to block it is the second step.

 

Deciding that you can tune in to your own state of inner peace, and take the responsibility to maintain it is the third step.

 

To get there, we must be committed to becoming students of life: our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. We can learn from ancient principles, modern teachers, and from the stillness within. We must practice, practice, practice. Like we undertake our workout plan or regular cleaning projects, we have to keep coming back to build strength or flexibility, or tidy things up.

 

The reward is well worth the continual effort, when you realize that Inner Peace is always within your grasp. The subtle shift from always looking outward to instead looking gently inward is the key.

 

I hope you will agree that Tuning in to Inner Peace IS the Surprisingly Fun Way to Transform Your Life!

 

“Each one has to find his peace from within.

And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

 

 

Ch28 We are Infinite, Connected and Have Big Paws

Not content just sitting in the house or chasing other cats, Pickles always said, “I have big paws. I want to do big things.” When he was adopted by the Firehouse, he learned new skills and finally his dreams came true.

- summary of the storybook The Fire Cat

 

It is only our small thinking that keeps us from the experiencing the joy that is always available.

 

If we believe we are small, separate and finite, then sure, we can have conflicts and get hurt. We can suffer loss. We can hate. We can hold a grudge. We can be outraged. Despair, fear, anger, sadness, grief …all of these feelings are enabled by our view of ourselves.

 

But if we give up this line of thinking, all of that pain drops away. We simply need to accept that we are infinite, connected and big!

 

If we accept that we are infinite, we aren’t confined by the time-space continuum and again, a whole host of suffering falls away.

 

My dad was awesome when he was alive. He still is awesome. I only gained from him. I never lost him.

 

Similarly, my value to you or anyone is not that I will be physically with you every day. But instead it is the way I talk to you, the way I treat you and how that feels to you. If it’s love you feel (as I intend!), then that instance of love can somehow remind and inspire us that love is our true nature. Love is not finite or perishable.

 

I don’t worry about how my family and friends will do when I die. Instead, I know that, like my dad, my essence doesn’t die with my body.

 

The important part of anyone goes on, so there is nothing to lose.

 

 

If we accept that we are all connected, there is suddenly no one to have a conflict with. Misunderstandings, certainly. War, hatred, spitefulness …no.

 

I mistakenly wandered into a workshop years ago. I thought it was about stargazing and constellations, but it was instead about family constellations. In the first few minutes, when the leader was introducing the topic, he made a statement matter-of-factly. He said, “I am my mother. My mother is me. I am my father. My father is me. Until you can accept this, you will live a conflicted life.”

 

Well that was enough to convince me that the leader was crazy! And I slipped out of the workshop. But those words haunted me. I couldn’t say that without stirring up inner turmoil.

 

Yet, I couldn’t come up with a good argument of why what he said was wrong. Because deep down, a part of me knew he was right. Believing that we are separate and need to bicker and disagree is less true than the fact that we are alike and can learn to love each other and ourselves.

“I am my mother. My mother is me.”

 

As I traveled, there were many moments when I felt isolated. Left unchecked, I’d spin a tale of woe. But, I could quickly quell this feeling, by accepting that we are all connected. In a moment of stillness, I connect to that truth I knew as a little kid. People around the world are more alike, than different. From that basis, I can see that we are all doing our best, doing basically the same thing with a different set of conditions and conditioning.

 

“One love, one heart, one destiny.”

- Bob Marley

 

Finally, if we accept our Bigness, life is going to be more fun! If we think we are a menial cog in the wheels of some big machine, or an accident of nature, then we’ll accept a life that is on par with that view. If you think we have to scratch out a meager existence to simply survive, your life will likely feel like a grueling, neverending rerun of an unremarkable day. (Think the movie, “Groundhog Day”.)

 

If instead, we accept that the sheer fact that we are alive is a huge miracle, we can have fun with this experiment we call life! Accept that your unique combination of background, upbringing, body, skills and friends make you a powerhouse. You can see things in a way no one else can. You can pull things together that no one else can. Your place here is to do something amazing.

 

When you own your Bigness you’ll see it coming to fruition. You’re sitting talking with someone, and suddenly they realize something. They remove a block in their path. You’ve just scored one point for spiritual evolution. And in this moment, you realize maybe no one else could have done this. And it was just you, being you. Authentically.

 

Knowing that you have an important, unique part to play in this big game of spiritual evolution, now, this is going to be fun! Accepting your Bigness means taking the challenge of being the superhero of your own life.

 

Don’t curse your fate and consider the situation to be bad luck. Instead congratulate yourself on your progress so far on the bizarre training course which is your life. Know that you are preparing for a purpose yet-to-be-announced!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exercises

  • Are you grieving the loss of someone who has died or moved away? Are there ways that you still feel connected? What feels truer to you: that you lost someone or that you are fortunate to have known them?  Is it a stretch to say that the essence of that person is infinite? Or, that you are?
  • Have you felt a deep connection with someone you’ve never met: children from another country, an artisan of a piece of pottery, a songwriter or someone in a photo? Does it feel natural or strange?
  • When you think, “I am my mother. My mother is me.”, how do you feel? Is there a valid reason, you can’t accept that?
  • Sketch out a path of your life. Notice the unique conditions that have shaped you. Did you initially consider some of these paths to be mistakes, but later saw some value in them?
  • Think of examples of insights you have had that have escaped others. Think of people whose lives you have touched profoundly.
  • What ‘big’ things have you done in life that have surprised you or others?

 

“You are the universe, expressing itself as a human, for a little while.”

- Eckhart Tolle

 

Ch30 Appendix: Resources and Inspirations

Here is a sample of favorite inspirational teachers that took me by the hand and guided me. On your journey, reach out to these and other authors, support groups and classes that fit your life! Find a teacher who was learned to overcome the problems that you want to solve.

These writers have helped me learn what my inner circle of family and friends mostly did not know, or else, we all began learning together. These authors have written several books each. I list one or two of the more well-known titles, but peruse and you may find something that more directly suits you.

Louise Hay

You Can Heal Your Life

101 Power Thoughts

Lack of self love is the root of all of our problems, Louise explains. Her sweet voice comes through in her stories, affirmations and insights, like that wise, loving older sister we could all benefit from. For a simple overall affirmation series, listen to 101 Power Thoughts morning and night.

Byron Katie

Loving What Is

I Need Your Love, Is it True?

Ms. Katie provides four simple questions to help us unravel the rationale we use to make ourselves miserable! Listen to the audio to hear real-life examples of how this process works. This is a simple system you can apply daily to help you laugh at your serious side, and enjoy life more.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment and Your Life

Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series

Jon Kabat-Zinn has a way of writing and talking to beginners in a manner that is inviting and convincing. Try a slim book or an audio CD. If ‘meditation’ sounds too daunting, try a book on ‘mindfulness’ for starters.

Melody Beattie

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself

This is one of those books I listened to in my car. I laughed so hard as Beattie described standard manipulation and guilt tactics that we often use, but are ineffective and often damaging. The humorous part is that I never realized I was doing it, that I could stop, or how much fun life would be without it. I came across this as part of my Al-Anon work, but would recommend it to anyone. As kids, we are all dependent. Maturing and becoming interdependent adults, rather than codependent, usually requires some conscientious retraining. This and other books by Beattie are spot on!

Cyndi Dale

The Subtle Body: An Encyclopedia of Your Energetic Anatomy

Did you know that cultures around the world have remarkably similar descriptions of the human body’s subtle system? Call it chakras or meridians. Use Kabbalah or native American terminology, but cultures agree that there is more to our health than meets the eye. This illustrated book is stunning in its breadth, insights and beauty.

Dr. Daniel Amen

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

Dr. Amen’s many books give you a glimpse into how our brain works. His approach is to consider faulty brains, in the same non-judgmental way we’d consider someone with tennis elbow, or a persistent slight limp. Brain issues are often fixable and can be the root cause of many problems in your life.

Eckhart Tolle

The Power of Now

A New Earth

After sitting on park benches for a couple years, Mr. Tolle finally understood something that he’d been missing in his earlier life. Eckhart Tolle shares his insights about how the only time we ever have is right now. If you’re not a big fan of self-help books, try Guardians of Being, the book that combines pet illustrations from Mutts comic strip artist with Tolle quotes. Learning the power of now from dogs and cats might be our most direct route!

 

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life

How to See Yourself as You Really Are

The Dalai Lama, winner of the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, has written dozens of books that relate Buddhist teachings to the social ills of modern Western society. The Dalai Lama retains that joyful, little-kid way of relating to people that is irresistible to me.

 

 

Pema Chodron

How to Meditate with Pema Chodron: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind

Did you know that when people first try to meditate, instead of quieting their thoughts, it’s common for people to curse themselves and get angry about it! Well, this is obviously the wrong reaction. Pema Chodron talks about this and instructs beginners to go for gentle amusement rather than any level of achievement. Her voice reflects this. Try an audio CD and hang out with Pema, to experience it yourself.

 

Thich Nhat Hanh

Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life

Thich Nhat Hanh has written 100 books, and 40 available in English, so you have many to choose from! He has great ways to show how to experience deep meditative ways in everyday experiences: walking, in the garden or at mealtime. In addition, he writes directly to children, and about social work andenvironmentalism as different aspects of mindful living. Savor, with Dr. Lilian Cheung, makes the  link between eating and mindfulness.

Gay Hendricks, Kathlyn Hendricks

Attracting Authentic Love

This pocket-sized book and audio present an easy way to get yourself ready for a mature, healthy relationship. It gives you a solid foundation for authentic love through: listening to your body, clearing conditioning from your past, and considering what factors a healthy partner needs.

David Richo

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

Richo presents an approach that feels calm and encouraging. As a Buddhist, marriage counselor, he gives examples of how couples tend to recreate the circumstances of our childhood, and how to accept that and work through that and evolve with your partner. His five A’s system recommends that loving relationships need: Attention, Appreciation, Affection, Allowing, and Acceptance. Would your partner be up for working through this (or a similar book) with you?

Shakti Gawain

Creative Visualization

Living in the Light

It was from reading Shakti Gawain’s Creative Visualization that I solved a recurring afternoon problem I had with my toddler, years ago. This was my first taste of learning a skill from an author, that my friends and family didn’t know. Shakti Gawain has continued to write helpful, insightful books on healing, energy, grief and living large spiritually.

And you?

When will you

begin that

long journey

into

yourself?

- Rumi

 

Most  of these are included in my Amazon.com Listmania List:

http://www.amazon.com/Books-that-help-you-Tune-In-to-Inner-Peace-Transform-and-Enjoy-Life/lm/R2OK9DCKXN7O47/ref=cm_srch_res_rpli_alt_1

Mindfulness Tip: Stand Tall

You can literally shake off worries about the past and hurrying into the future, by making a quick adjustment of your posture. Stand up straight and you’ll suddenly notice where you are and who and what are in front of you. Stand tall and take a refreshing break from your thoughts, anytime. (This also works if you’re sitting trying to meditate. Slouching will naturally lead to worry. Sit up and enjoy a few seconds of bliss.)

 

Beauty is Inner Peace!

Ch20 Live Lightly, Live Deeply

Flowers

In meditation class once, I remarked that I was perceived as too intense at work. People had told me that I made them nervous by running too fast, asking too many questions and being too demanding.

“I guess I should drink a little less coffee,” I joked.

“Yes,” my instructor replied, “and there are other things you can do to tone that down.”

 

Funny, but before he said that, I’d always thought it was just a personality thing and that was that. After that insight, I realized that when people perceive me as too intense, I can take that as constructive criticism and act to moderate that.

 

To live lightly is to be able to turn down our own intensity level so we can enjoy life and each other. “Live lightly” is a motto we can benefit from in all areas of our life. We can live lightly by:

  • Staying positive and trusting in a relationship, even if there is no communication for extended periods
  • Letting go of possessions that no longer serve you
  • Giving up beliefs that don’t feel true anymore
  • Being content whether you have a lot of money or a little
  • Letting go of a “this has to happen for me to be happy” belief
  • Judging less
  • Trying something new
  • Being able to laugh at yourself when you fail or fall
  • Giving up the need to know
  • Resisting the urge to ask every question that pops in your head
  • Resisting the urge to complain or boast
  • Worrying less about others
  • Being more patient and content waiting for others or for circumstances to change
  • Playing with kids on the floor or in the playground
  • Being able to enjoy a picnic in the park as much as a fancy dinner out
  • Walking instead of driving
  • Using less electricity, gas or water
  • Painting without a prior plan of what you’ll paint
  • Singing and dancing
  • Asking for help
  • Being amazed instead of outraged
  • Savoring a walk in the neighborhood or a hike in the woods
  • Camping
  • Not worrying about what other people will think of you
  • Seeing the funny side of any situation
  • Losing weight
  • Eating simple, delicious foods like a slice of watermelon
  • Wearing a completely different style of clothing
  • Improving your balance and flexibility
  • Doing a fitness activity that is fun (not merely functional): Capoeira, NIA, or skateboarding
  • Laughing more

 

By keeping it light, we don’t get distracted by the details of the current situation. Instead, we can stay deeply in love with other, with ourselves, and with life!

 

Exercises

  • Peruse the list above. Check off which you have done in the past month. How did you feel doing these activities? Does living lightly allow you a freedom to experience life more deeply?
  • Select three more living lightly activitie to try in the coming month.
  • If “Live Lightly” rings true for you, make a notecard or write it on a sticky note for your wallet, purse or mirror.

 

To live lightly is to stay deeply in love with each other, with ourselves and with life!

 

Eat your way to inner peace

I just had a refreshing simple salad and some watermelon. In the crock pot, garbanzo beans, fresh spinach, with sauteed carrots, onions and garlic are melding with tomatoes …minestrone is on the way. Aww… wonderful.

Eating is part of my spiritual path. Choosing, preparing and eating mindfully bring me in balance. When I ignore this, I swing out of balance. And the internal  bickering begins, throwing my inner peace out.

When I was in Ghana, there were times we didn’t have a lot of food or money. I was amazed that my friends there would wait for several hours for good food, rather than eat cheap cookies and crappy food. This taught me something about patience and valuing the food we eat.

Eating junk food creates a junk body and a junk mind. Is there any other way it could be?

Can’t you see…How unique and beautiful you already are?

If you can’t see that about yourself, whatever you do, do NOT look in the mirror. Look deeper.

(And if you feel like poopoo, you probably invited the party pooper, perfectionism to the party!)

Ch21 Practice, Practice, Practice

Spending time in nature balances us

Now, I hope you can see that Inner Peace is always within grasp. And for each of us, maintaining it is our individual responsibility.

 

So, the obvious questions, is How? The answer is that there are as many paths as there are people.

 

Many, Many Paths to Peace

I was brainwashed, oops, I mean raised, Catholic. I liked a lot of the teachings, but I grew up worrying that our neighbor and my best friend was going to burn in hell because she was the only non-Catholic friend I had. No, silly, I was reassured. She’ll probably just be in purgatory for awhile.

 

And all the people from other countries and other religions, will they be there too? I never saw anything in the bible that supported this kind of thinking. Jesus was not a card-carrying anything. He preached Love and Forgiveness, but never Membership.

 

There is no name brand on love.

 

When we do make some spiritual progress, it’s our nature to go a bit hog-nutty about it. We think everyone around us should do it too, and that our way is the best, or maybe only way. Thus, the ideologue is born.

 

But, there is no one way to peace. There are many, many ways. For me, when someone starts trying to sell me a ticket to the “My Way or the Highway” approach to spirituality, my Inner Peace starts rattling and clanking, and urges me to speed off the other way.

 

Stopping to Pray

When I went home after being in Saudi Arabia for two months, the thing I missed most was the sound of Prayer Calls. Five times a day, Muslims bow down and pray. The air is filled with the sound, as different mosques start the calls at slightly different times, making a familiar but unique symphony every day, five times a day.

 

I think this is a funny commentary on just how short our attention span really is! We humans start the day with the best intentions, but within a couple hours get completely distracted. Thus, the need for the call to stop what you are doing and pray.

 

I’m not much of an organized-religion-kinda gal, and I may not call it praying, but, I do pause often to notice I’m alive!

 

What is a Practice?

Whether you operate within an organized religion or without one, you’ll want to develop your own Practice. This is a set of guidelines, rituals and community you put in place to support you.

 

When I first started a weight loss program, I did some informal research. In talking with my slender, fit friends, I found out that they each had a system. “I don’t eat after 8 pm.” “I always eat fruit before going to a party.” “I weigh myself every Saturday to make sure I haven’t overeaten that week.”

 

What? And all this time, I thought they ate crap all day and were just lucky! That may have been the case when they were 14, but 50-year olds don’t continue that trend and stay fit and slim.

 

In that same way, you can manage your Inner Peace easily, by developing a set of rules to live by.

 

This is your Spiritual Practice. You can tailor design your peace management system to fit you, and adjust it over time. It’s likely to encompass some or all of these characteristics:

  • discipline
  • morning ritual
  • evening ritual
  • reflection
  • introspection
  • service
  • inspiration
  • quiet time
  • community
  • strong sense of self
  • belief in higher power
  • support from a mentor / teacher
  • exercise
  • nutrition
  • creative expression
  • music
  • movement
  • nature

 

 

Designing Your Practice

Having someone prescribe exactly what you must do to achieve Inner Peace is like asking someone to order for you at a restaurant. It’s better for you to decide. Do you like it mild or spicy? Vegan or BBQ? A little hungry or ravenous? Kid’s meal, salad bar or the special of the day?

 

So, in designing your own practice, be creative. Choose what suits you. Learn from others. Ask those that you admire about theirs.

 

A daily practice allows you to enjoy your life and become that powerful presence you were meant to be.

 

Exercises

  • Review the list above. Note which of these you are already doing. How do they help you maintain serenity?
  • Which of these are missing in your life? What would you like to add?
  • In the next week, come up with a plan for your own practice.
  • Consider your Practice to be more important than your To Do list. Check your progress at the end of the day. How are you feeling?
  • Check it monthly. Challenge yourself to continuously make it better.

 

A daily practice is a system for managing your Inner Peace, and making all of life a joy!

 

 

Ch11 Thinking is Limited

Don’t confuse words with the truth. It’s like confusing a map with the earth. Words are a map. The truth is the ground we are standing on, that always supports us fully. And the truth is love.

 

It was during a meditation class that I first heard the concept, “Thinking is limited.” It hit me as both impossible and obvious, throwing my mind (thinking!) into immediate gridlock. I was 47 years old at that time. In the meditation class I was taking, they went on to teach about “thoughtless awareness”, and how to trust this over rational thinking alone.

 

Blasphemy, I thought! But, in the coming days, dozens of examples of exactly this principle flooded my mind.

 

I studied engineering in college. Engineering is nothing, if not thinking. I took semester after semester crammed with various math and science classes. As the coursework progressed, I knew less and less what it all meant. “If a 5-volt DC power source is located at grid location x1,y5 and a 87 v, 60Hz AC power source is located at x3, y4, what is the strength of the field at x1,y1?”A question like this would take me a few pages of equations to get the answer. I was happy to get the right number, but had no sense of what the heck we were doing or why.

 

But, class after class, I honed my thinking skills so I could get the right answer, more often than not. And over time, I figured out how to do it with less and less effort. As long as I ignored the feelings of discomfort about not understanding, I was okay. Using this strategy, I succeeded and graduated from college.

 

I worked in various engineering positions. At one point, I was doing research and writing. In that position, I was tasked with identifying the advantages and disadvantages of new energy-efficient technologies. My job was to complete a 20 to 40-page report complete with dozens of footnotes. That’s what it looked like from the outside.

 

From the inside, though, it was a mess. I often took on subjects I had no background in, so learned as I went. I would do research, interview some folks, work with my editor and cobble together a draft. I’d then send that out for review. My reviewers all had their own take on reality, as product manufacturers, users or program managers. What followed would be trying to wade through their written comments and long telephone conversations trying to get to my version of ‘truth’.

 

And at times, things got really contentious and crazy. At that time, I thought that the only way to solve things was more writing and talking. Sometimes, that really did make things worse. Seemingly minor issues would spiral into big issues, with no apparent logical basis. I would find myself in heated discussions but not understand why the heck we weren’t cool.

 

I knew in my gut that there was something else happening on some other level. But, engineers aren’t known as the touchy-feely type so if there was another level, we were not going to let on.

 

So, like a blind juggler, I would toss around knives, oranges, and watermelons until I got cut or tired. And I would call my report ‘done’.

 

Not once did “thinking is limited” or “thoughtless awareness” ever come up.

 

 

Allowing Solutions to Show Up

I had heard in our meditation class that Einstein had a sudden flash of inspiration one day when he was outside playing with bubbles. He often advised that to figure something out, you had to stop consciously thinking about it and let the answer come to you.

 

A few weeks later, I’d been working on a database project for work. It was almost ready to go, except there was one sticky point that I couldn’t resolve. I’d called tech support and talked about it a few times. I’d tried a few workarounds but couldn’t solve it. It was urgent that I complete the project but I was stuck.

 

I was constantly picking the problem up mentally, turning it around, looking at it from every aspect. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I was driving myself crazy!

 

Out of desperation, I tried meditating. No, you can’t even call it that. I was driving, so I just tried to silence my mind..

 

When I do, it feels like the power going off on a spaceship. The flashing lights and beeping stop quickly. Whooooooosh. Only a dim glow, the heartbeat of the power supply is evident. A bit too dramatic? Maybe, but this is what’s happening in there when I can turn off the manic thinking.

Anywho… as I drove, I felt this sudden state of peace. I accepted the fact that either I could figure it out or I couldn’t. …. …. …. Yep, that’s about it.  … … silence …

 

A few minutes later, I arrived at work, refreshed. Peaceful.

 

I sat down at my computer and opened the program. I suddenly knew exactly what to do.

 

This was a situation in life that parallels what we do in meditation when we sit with our hands open. When my hands are closed tight, I am grasping, holding to the past, rigid, inflexible, panicked. Open …a solution just falls onto my palm.

 

“Logic will get you from A to Z.

Imagination will get you everywhere.” – Einstein

 

Deeply Moving: No Words are Needed

As alluded to, our meditation class taught me about something called “thoughtless awareness.” This is a tough one to grasp for those of us in the West. But, once I got a glimpse of this concept, I realized it explained a lot.

 

Newly single and without kids, I went to Ghana for a drumming and dance workshop. We started every day with a one hour dance class and a second hour of drumming. Both included singing. The healing power of this experience was profound and not something I could name or easily explain to others.

 

But, once I knew about thoughtless awareness, I realized Aha! This was a time that I was not thinking. It was my first regular break from thinking. I noticed that if I did think during these classes, my thoughts were unhelpful: You’ll never learn this. You can’t do this. Why are you even trying?

 

But, if I turned my thinking off or at least down, I was fine.

 

I realized, too, that experiences in my life that were profound were not defined by words. And, the most profound experiences were times without words: dancing, drumming, having sex, holding a baby, walking in nature, doing sports, making art, or playing with a child.

 

Words cannot convey the depth of my feelings …sounds like a greeting card cliché (and like most cliché’s, it’s true.)

 

Defintion: Profound (noun): deep, bottomless, vast

 

 

 

 

Exercises

  • Tomorrow, notice if there are any parts of your day where your thinking is on overdrive. When? How does it make you feel? What are you thinking about? Is it the same thing, over and over, or are you getting new insights?
  • Have you ever had sudden inspirations that showed up when you were not thinking?
  • Are there situations where you feel yourself getting caught up in thinking, but know that at some deeper level, it’s not true?
  • Do you have activities that you enjoy where no thinking is involved? What are they? How do they feel? What is their impact on your life?
  • What are the most profound experiences of your life? Are they word-based or something else?
  • Try sitting on the floor for five minutes, doing nothing. Watch your thoughts with an amused chuckle. Don’t try to stop anything or change anything. Notice if you feel any different as your day progresses.

 

“Don’t believe everything you think.”

- Byron Katie

 

 

 

A Mother’s Day Perspective: I Didn’t Ask to Be Born …or Did I?

Let’s be honest. As a kid, Mother’s Day feels like a big, splatty serving of guilt pudding. Thank your mom for …everything. Your mom works so hard for you. She cooks and cleans and does your laundry. She packs your lunch and fixes your hair.

It’s not so much about thanking her, as apologizing to her for ruining her life.  Did it feel like this to you? You must ask forgiveness for being such a burden, to someone who does everything you can’t do for yourself.

I bristled at this. I felt like, Hey, I didn’t ask to be born!

When we brought home a puppy, we didn’t expect her to thank us for feeding and walking her, or picking up her poop in the yard. It was our choice. We picked her out at the pet store and brought her home. So, directly or indirectly, we chose to care for her too.

I approached Mother’s Day like that bewildered puppy, head tilted to one side. I tried to impress my mom by appearing thankful. I think I pulled it off. I mean, what Mom isn’t a sucker for a handmade card with doilies and glitter. But at that tender age, I began to feel the authentic guilt, but not gratitude for my mom. So, I continued my puppy-like ways of jumping up, running around and pooping, and cute, but in my heart the authentic gratitude was nowhere to be found.

But, when I became a mom, Mother’s Day took on a whole new meaning.

You’re guessing that after experiencing the hard work and sacrifice of being a mom, I suddenly understood, and instantly became thankful to my mom. Nope. Wrong. (That is a more recent, and very important development. I can’t brag about this pace. In that respect, I’ve been a very slow student.)

But, but, but!!! But, when I was a new mom, I suddenly felt the bliss of Mother’s Day! Aha, this is what the fuss is about. I felt that I was so, so, so lucky to be a mom. I was struck to the core with the miracle of being a mom.

And that awe-struck feeling continues to this day.

If we limit the discussion to simple biology, it is the parents that choose to have a baby. I always felt this responsibility. So, I never felt like they owed me any ‘thanks for your sacrifice’ vow.  So, in that respect, they didn’t ask to be born.

But on a more celestial level, maybe they did. In the past several years, I’ve come to accept the idea that before a child is your child, she is pure spirit. And that she chooses her parents.  I’ve read that a kid picks their parents based on what the kid needs to learn. Yeah, okay, I have no idea if that’s true.

From the other direction though, I do see something. I see that the kids might be choosing the parents based on what the parents need to know.

That makes so much sense to me!

My kids have been my most constant and brilliant teachers. They have taught me things that I have not learned anywhere else.

Their sayings are engraved in my mind, like “Mom, you don’t have to apologize or make excuses, if you are simply saying what is true.” “It’s okay to say No, mommy.” What?! Nuggets like this were news to me.

And in answer to how often should I call you now that you’re in college, “Call me however often you want Mom. I have caller ID.” Guilt-free living, stress-free relationships like I never knew before.

How did my kids teach me about sweetness and sassiness? They taught me how to have confidence in how I expressed myself, in my looks and in my fashion. They taught me how to organize my things and my life. They taught me about forgiveness and humor.  They taught me how to love, and laugh; to hold on and let go. They taught me how to love without guilt.

To me the miracle of motherhood is that as a mom, you get to have a teacher. Maybe a custom-selected teacher that you have unequaled access to: a teacher that is there for you in a crash course 24/7 to begin with, and eventually as a limited access, distance course. There are few relationships in your life where you can spend as much time together as a parent and child, and especially have the physical closeness of mother and child. Really, how many other times do you have someone climb on your lap and be happy to just be there? Puppies yes, but people?

So, on Mother’s Day, whether or not a kid ever asks to be born, who knows? For me though, I continually feel grateful for these pint-size teachers that arrived on the scene and rocked my world. And I still have lots to learn, and lessons to look forward to.

Certainly, Mother’s Day is a day to appreciate our moms. As we grow older, we can let down our defenses and do this with a more open heart. I am learning to do this better, year by year.

But, toward my daughters, and all the kids in the world that are helping their parents learn, grow and evolve, I feel the guilt-free, Hallmark-card-free zest and zing of Mother’s Day.

It is my chance to say without guilt or hesitation, Thank You. Happy Mother’s Day!

I’m Going to Hay House Writer’s Workshop! (…or H-E-L-P is not a four-letter word)

I have to admit, my ego often gets the best of me. I usually think “I’m all that!” (Just ask anyone close to me and they’ll concur.)  So, when you’re a card-carrying egotist, it’s hard to accept when “I’m NOT all that”, and what initially seems worse, that I need help.

Here’s what I mean…

Over a year ago, my sister and other encouragers started sending me emails about the Hay House Writer’s Workshop. “You should do this!” “This is a perfect fit for your book!”

Like most people, I like to argue with good advice. But, since I’ve said, “I want to grow up to be Louise Hay,” and I’ve been writing a book that actually would be a perfect fit, I was intrigued.

But, when I was reading those emails, I was in South Korea and later, in Saudi Arabia. The workshops were in San Diego or New York.

So, it was just a couple weeks ago that I remembered about the workshop, as I was imagining myself as the next version of my hero: sweet, inspiring, lovely Louise Hay. I checked the 2012 Hay House Writer’s Workshop schedule and saw that the next workshop was in Denver on April 28-29. Hey, I’ll be in Denver those days too, because I live here (for now)!

Slight problem. I’m cash and credit poor at the moment. Hmmm. After mulling it about for a couple days, I realized, I have two choices:

1 – Give up. This is the results of this thinking, “I can do it later.” “I don’t need anyone’s help.” “Now’s not the right time.”

- OR -

2 – Ask for help.

Argggghhh, how I resist asking for help. I loved being that person that had her financial sh!t together, who could help others. I bristle at being the one that has to ask for help.

So I bought lottery tickets for a few days, but no luck! After a few days, I threw up my hands and asked God/universe, “Really?” Okay, I’ll do it.

So, I asked for help. I decided if I could get 11 $50 sponsors, I could do it. I called on friends and family, and invited them to join the “Inner Peace Circle”. Well that was a week ago, and I already have 8 sponsors and am confident that 3 more will turn up.

I agree with how Byron Katie says it, that anything that we think, “I could never bear that”, is probably something we should just do. And that’s how it feels. I thought it would be hard to humble myself and ask for help. It was just a little. What’s been better is feeling the reciprocal nature of growth, when someone that I ask, actually wants to help.

And together, we’re walking along this very fun, exciting, inspiring path of life.

And I’m again learning that when you need help it’s okay. And H-E-L-P is not a four-letter word.

I hope you will join me in spirit!

- Hay House Writer’s Workshop April 28-29, Denver, Colorado