Channeling Dad

I figured out how to channel my ancestor. It’s eerily simple. I learned this ceremony by watching him repeat it every night. He never taught it, but I know it perfectly nonetheless.

Wait until night has fallen. It must be near the stroke of ten. The house should be nearly silent. Prepare a porcelain vessel. Pause again listening.

Wearing stocking-ed or slippered feet, glide from the lit side to the dark side. Raise your left hand. Insert your forefinger in the brass ring and press, then slide the wood out of the way. Peer inside and find the container. Grab it deftly with your right hand. Turn swiftly and glide out of the darkness.

Tip the container up and let the ringlets tinkle into the porcelain vessel. Check behind you and make sure no creature has stirred awake. If not, open the gleaming white box and remove the animal fluid. Prop the door open with your leg and reach to splash the fluid into the vessel, shove the fluid back in the box and let the door softly close tightly behind you.

Carry the vessel in one hand and a silver spoon in another.

Sit down and enjoy a bowl of Cheerios. I smile as I’m remembering my day. And my dad is right there with me.

Je T’aime

I told him I was through
He was in disbelief
But, but, but …you said I love you
you said it in French!

True, I realize now my mistake.
I have developed a full disclosure for future use,
and keep several copies in my purse.

je t’aime*

*Use of these words is intended to convey unconditional awe, appreciation and acceptance of the being. The expresser retains the right to utter the words without restriction, and to continue loving the person imperfectly with no stated expiration date.

Possible side effects may include: nausea, dizziness, vomiting, temporary loss of memory, change in libido, headaches, backaches, pains in the neck, and insomnia.

No guarantees, rights or warranties are expressed or implied. The statement does not imply any rights of ownership, possessions, or time.

Investors participate at their own risk. By participating, you acknowledge that no investment is 100% guaranteed and that volatility may cause a loss of interest and erode part or all of the initial investment.

There are no refunds but your karmic account may be credited accordingly, so save your receipt.

Please remember all the above, if by chance, I lean over and softly kiss you and whisper,
je t’aime

Haunted House

As the clock struck midnight, she blearily came to. She sensed a warm liquid oozing out the side of her mouth. The single lamp was still on, and the old house creaked in the wind.  She itched her green craggy nose, and smoothed her black dress as she tried to remember what had happened. She reached to adjust the strap of her pointy hat, and noticed the pieces she’d gathered earlier so carefully, were now strewn across the floor.  A black cat, hissed and flashed out of the room. The old woman began to hiss too. The hiss became a chuckle then a loud laughter that rang around the rooms of the decrepit house.  She noticed  the orange plastic pumpkin laying askew, and there was nothing but silence. She wiped the drool of sleep off her face, and scolded herself aloud, “Durn it Gertrude McLaughlin! You slept through Halloween! Smoky! Why didn’t you wake me up!”

Snack Attack

I know I’m doomed anytime I go into a gas station convenience store to buy food. That’s why I use the pay-at-the-pump. But the dang card reader wasn’t reading, so I went in. $29.50 for gas and $9.23 for ‘food’.

What is it about these places that breaks down my willpower? I never buy Hostess ding-dongs at King Soopers. The Big-Grab fritos bag …does it mean the serving size or my ass? Sunflower seeds, shell on. Why? They’re a pain in the butt, a huge mess. But it seems somehow romantic or nostalgic or some other unfounded logic.  By then I’m feeling guilty. So I grab an Arizona Ice Tea. What are these things? 24 oz of high-fructose corn syrup and artificial colors. But tea’s healthy right?

It’s too late to do anything but eat and drink it all. But I gotta think of somewhere I can stop to throw out the entire bag of evidence before I get home. I’m single, but even I won’t be able to face myself tomorrow.

Envy

Other deadly sins are like venomous snakes. Poised, tail rattling, wrath or lust can strike deep at a single moment, destroying a marriage, a reputation or a life.

You think Envy should be a venial sin, that it’s more like an annoying mosquito bite than a deadly snakebite.

But, other sins only have certain seasons, or times of life, or situations where they strike.  Envy slips arm in arm to ‘help’ anyone, anywhere. Envy is just as comfortable with a baby as she takes her first bite of food, her old grandma drawing in her last breath, a streetkid or a CEO.

Envy is not a single mosquito. It’s a never-ending supply of mosquitoes, a stagnant larvae-filled pond. And when Envy bites, it opens the door for all other deadly sins.

A small example…

Anyone that’s made lunch for little kids knows it’s not as easy as it looks. The planning and finesse that goes into delivering a couple bowls of steaming macaroni and cheese, microwaved peas, a cut apple, and cups of milk cannot be understated. It requires that the morning outing stimulated them a little and wore them out a little more. Perfect timing means the microwave dings, as Sesame Street ends.

  “Lunch!” You smile at your sweet darlings as they climb onto their chairs. You’re wiping your hands, contentedly, when you detect the whine of the mosquito Envy.

“I wanted the red cup! Why does SHE always get the red cup!”

Other sins soon follow.

Written for the Lighthouse Seven Deadly Sins 250-word Competition

Twinkling

Our family was not one that did the nightly bath ritual for kids. How could you with eight kids? Instead we had some combination of Saturday night baths, or a few-minute-morning shower snuck into the queue in one of the two bathrooms, and something my mom called (and I hated the term) spit baths. 

And during summer, the bathing pretty much dropped off completely except for the Saturday night bath. You could always claim that you’d showered at the pool after swimming, though we rarely did.

And we loved swimming! Living one block from a public swimming pool is I guess that’s how my mom stayed sane-ish with eight kids.

We were all on the swim team and practice began at 7 am. We’d come home for a bit, then go back for swim lessons around 10. Back home again, then be in line when the doors opened for public school at 1 pm. And when Dad came home, we’d beg him to come swimming with us.

“What? You haven’t been swimming today?”

Sometimes adult logic puzzled us so much, with questions like this we didn’t attempt to reply, but just repeated our pleas.

So, with swimming an all-day, everyday activity, we had the idea that we would just sleep in our swimsuits and that way we’d never have to take them off. We found ways to pee without removing our swimsuits, most of which you’ve already tried yourself. Other bodily functions took a few quick minutes in the bathroom at the swimming pool or home, where looking in the mirror wasn’t part of the routine.

It was a pretty cool plan, except for those few minutes when you’re about ready to fall asleep, but the swimsuit is so uncomfortable, you realize why pajamas and swimsuits have completely different designs. But we’d wait it out, and within minutes, fall asleep. Waking up in our swimsuits, we were ready to big another glorious summer day.

So, at the end of nearly a week of this routine, we finally took our swimsuits off as we prepared for our Saturday bathtime routine.

“What the heck?”

Our tans were our badges of honor. Comparing the whiteness of our natural tone to our leathering brown skim was a source of glee and accomplishment.

But this time, there was something special. My annual swimsuit was a speedo, of course, but this year’s model was a red, white and blue patriotic design. The white stars and the thin white stripes allowed the sun to make a two-tone tan only visible when my body was naked.

Then, I could see white stars glimmering in the way that the stars come out at dusk, when you can barely see them. The thin white lines set them off like the tail of a falling star.

As the summer progressed, the stars and stripes became slightly more visible every day, when my sister and I checked for them.

Then the pool closed and school began, and my normal tan hung on for a few weeks. But just like how the early morning light extinguishes the constellations, the stars and stripes vanished in a twinkling.

I Believe in Suction Cups

I love the idea that, like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, suction cups are magical. It hits hardest when I’m organizing a rented apartment and afraid to screw something up. Shopping for small baskets, racks and any storage solution…that’s when suction cups tempt me. Suddenly, I’m scheming to stick something on any surface that’s flat and smooth: the shower, the kitchen backsplash, the side of the refrigerator. Even the indoor/outdoor thermometer is now a necessity. I lick them, I stick them. They slide, pop, and drop off. They never work. But somehow, I still believe in suction cups.

Upstanding Citizen

Was it only a few weeks ago, I was an upstanding citizen…

And now I’m a slacker..

Today I laid in bed most the day,
trying to recover from making love until 3 am
I barely made it up to call into that 2 pm phone meeting
Totally unprepared

I ate raw cookie dough from the frij with a fork
(It seems important to note that it was gluten free)
When I finally do turn on my computer, I can’t focus

I’m a slacker and now, I’m a stalker…

The ramblings of a crazy person fill my thoughts
Isn’t there some burning reason I could drive the 50 miles to see you?
Did you leave an important item? Anything?
Are there any two points I could visit that would make it plausible that I was just passing by?
I know I can call after 7 pm, so I exercise restraint and don’t dial until 7:03
Pathetic

Great. I’m a stalker and a slacker, and I’m an addict…

When we’re finally together, I’m high
But when it’s time to go, I get shaky
Spending an hour together makes me want just one more
Spending five hours together makes me want just one more
The lunch date goes overnight
Ya me voy, I say,
but I can’t seem to do it.

Slacker, stalker, addict.

I stand and take a step
You shake your head and touch my fingertips
Leading me gently back to you
I know it’s time to go
but the last thing
I want to be now is
up
standing